Plus, experts explain the best way to let someone go.
By Macaela Mackenzie, Self
The downside to dating is that along with meeting new people and learning a lot about yourself, you’re probably also dealing with breakups.
There’s a whole spectrum of accountability and maturity onto which your
breakup behaviors can fall, because being articulate about your
~*feelings*~ isn’t always easy. Enter the temptation to not even deal,
give off ambiguous signals, or ghost the poor person.
[post_ad]“Ending
a relationship with accountability and authority is a skill that
extends well beyond that specific exit,” Carrie Capstick, Ph.D., a
clinical psychologist in New York, tells SELF. “Who you are at the end
of the relationship, whether you’re the partner who runs or says goodbye
in a constructive and authentic way, will likely be the person you are
in your next relationship.”
According to Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, there are four stops on the Relationship Accountability Spectrum: ghosting, icing, simmering, and power parting.
Ghosting
is on the most avoidant end of the spectrum. You can’t deal with being
the bad guy, so you just ditch the situation entirely. Engaging slightly
more is classified as icing. When you ice someone out, you retreat but
want them to pine after you just in case you change your mind at some
point—it’s equal parts ego and anxiety. Ever so slightly better is
simmering, when you want to keep someone on the backburner while you see
what else is out there. And the most direct means of handling a break
up is power parting. When you end a relationship this way, you know what
works for you and aren’t afraid to communicate that.
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To
help you figure out where you fall on the breakup-style spectrum—and
how you can make your way over to the more mature side in your next
relationship—answer these questions about how you typically say sayonara
to someone you're dating.
When you decide you’re not into someone after date three, you…
- Tell them you’ve had a great time hanging out, but the chemistry just isn’t there.
- Tell them you’re not looking for anything serious, but you can still go out from time to time.
- Tell them you’re not looking for a relationship right now, but who knows? Maybe you’ll change your mind in a few months.
- Never tell them anything. Maybe they’ll just think you died.
Once you know you don't want to continue seeing someone, how long do you wait to tell them?
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- You don’t. As soon as you realize, you tell them you're not interested in going out again.
- You wait until they ask you to hang out again, then say you have to check your schedule and probably won’t know if you're free until the day of.
- You wait until the day before you're supposed to hang out again, then cancel at the last minute because of a “work project.”
- You just never speak to them again, even when they reach out.
You’ve been seeing someone for a few months, but the relationship isn’t really progressing. You…
- Arrange to see them in person, then tell them you don’t see this going anywhere because although you think they’re awesome, you’re ultimately looking for different things in life.
- Stop prioritizing them or reaching out, but respond when they get in touch and hang out when they plan the date.
- Say you need to focus on work/yourself/your new puppy Bigglesworth, so your schedule is too hectic to see each other. But you also insinuate that you might be more open to something down the line.
- “Forget” to answer their texts. And their calls. And the door when they show up at your apartment to make sure you’re alive.
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Which breakup text would you be most likely to send?
- “It’s been great getting to know you, and I had a lot of fun hiking last weekend. But if I’m being honest, I don’t see this going any further. Wishing you all the best, and good luck with your marathon training this fall!”
- “Hey, sorry, but I’m really swamped at work and don’t think I’ll be able to make drinks tonight. Maybe we can do sometime next week?”
- “I don't think I'm in the right headspace to date right now, but if I were, you'd be the person I chose.”
- *Radio silence*
If you answered mostly As:
You’re
a power-parting badass. It's normal to have major anxiety about hurting
someone’s feelings, but you know that when you’re direct, you get to
control the message. “Confronting your partner at the end allows you to
say that while things didn’t work out, you may still care for them or
value the time that you were together,” says Capstick. “This can be a
salve for the pain of the break-up.” And it’s not just about them.
Having the courage to be confident in letting go of something that’s
just so-so leaves room for you to pursue something spectacular without
any crippling guilt.
If you answered mostly Bs:
[post_ads]You’re simmering your suitors. You like them, but not enough to fully commit,
so you’re content to play with their emotions while you explore. More
often than not, this is a pretty selfish move. But in rare cases, it
could be a good call. “It is important to understand your intentions for
keeping someone on the backburner,” Jillian Stile, Ph.D., a clinical
psychologist in New York, tells SELF. “Are you hoping to trade up, or
are you truly confused and uncertain about whether the relationship is
promising? Leaving your options open can be fruitful if after some
introspection, you realize that you do in fact want to be with the
person.”
If you answered mostly Cs:
You’re
a total ice queen. You most likely tell yourself that you’re just
trying to phase them out slowly in the hopes it will ease the blow. But
let’s be real: it’s nice to know that someone is out there wanting you,
even if it's purely out of confusion over where you truly stand. “Many
rationalize that they’re 'protecting' their partner from the truth by
not being upfront,” says Capstick. But in the end, making a clean break
is better for everyone involved. That way, neither of you is expending
energy on something that isn't ever going to work out.
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If you answered mostly Ds:
Are
you even alive? That’s probably what your date is wondering. “When
someone ghosts you, it’s far more painful than a difficult yet
respectful goodbye,” says Capstick. In truth, avoiding the uncomfortable
conversation is all about helping yourself, not protecting someone from
rejection. “Facing each other at the end helps to bring closure and
minimizes unresolved feelings,” she adds. “How you handle the breakup,
whether with a sudden disappearance or a heartfelt message, can strongly
influence how they will feel about the separation.” Plus, ghosting
someone might leave you with a heck of a lot of guilt. That's why in
most situations, it's best to definitively end it (even if it's not
face-to-face or in a phone call, because if you've only been on a few
dates, that might not always feel necessary). No matter where your
breakup behaviors fall, uttering the dreaded “I’m just not that into
you” is never easy. You might as well be as fair as possible, not only
to your soon-to-be ex lover, but to yourself.
