The precursor to this article, "Does Love Last?",
discussed how and why our bodies and brains fall in love, and why that
heady feeling eventually has to wear off - but only to make room for
another kind of love, the kind that deepens and undulates seductively
with time and focus. The thing is, most people want that rush of
feel-good to continue, as they see it as the mechanism behind the "act"
of falling in love. You know what I mean: your palms get sweaty, your
heart races, food no longer nourishes you, and you feel almost addicted
to this person. It's a high - literally! Sadly though, your body can
only continue this rush for so long. So how can you move from what the
Greeks called eros, or sexual passion, to something more like pragma, or
longstanding love?
Let's Start With the Newbies
In
this case, I'm referring to new things instead of new people. In
several studies, including one discussed in the New York Times article
entitled, "Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples,"
it's suggested that instead of doing the same old thing every day (or
week, or month) with your partner, you both schedule time together to do
something exciting, new and fun for the both of you.
Neuroscientist Michael Merzenich
agrees; if you want to change how your brain processes information,
start with throwing novel things at it. It only makes sense then, that
if you want to change how you interact with your partner back to how
things "used to be" in your relationship, it's time to reinvent date night.
Learn from the Love Lab
Dr.
John Gottman, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of
Washington and where he founded what is still fondly referred to as "The
Love Lab", has done extensive research with couples about what makes
love last. From that research, he can now determine (with what he said
is 91% accuracy) whether a couple's relationship will stay
strong through your lifetime. One of his top markers? Trust. Ask
yourself these questions to determine if your partner is someone you
actually can have a lasting love with:
- Is this person honest with you to a fault? With zero excuses for them or yourself, think if they've ever lied to you. If you've ever doubted their authenticity or honesty, it's best to move on.
- Does this person offer you full-access to their life? You should know their friends, colleagues, and family members, as well as any of the big issues in their life.
- Have they demonstrated moral and ethical decisions in line with your own?
- Does your partner have your back no matter what, and do they support the things you love, talk about, and want to do?
Of
course, the reverse is true with all of these questions, once you've
done a fair assessment of how your partner melds with you on these
issues. If you're unable to offer the same, it's probably time to find
someone that you do see eye-to-eye with regards to trust within a long
term romantic partnership.
Play a Bit
In
tandem with the above exercises, Robert Epstein takes falling and
staying in love to a whole new level. Not only does he suggest staring
into each other's eyes for two minutes straight while doing nothing else
as a means to connect and feel more love for one another, he also has
found that "doing scary things" and increasing your heart rate together
can increase your connection.
In my own personal experiments at
singles' events that I've run and organized, I too have found the exact
same outcome. When people who had just met for the time were asked to
perform an exercise that made both parties feel vulnerable, scared,
and/or got their heart rate up significantly, attraction and - yes, even
love - increased dramatically. Several couples in my experiments have
gone from feeling 0 love with someone they've just met, to a 9 or a 10
on a scale of ten after having done one such exercise for no more than
three minutes.
References:
- Epstein, Robert. "Fall in Love and Stay That Way." Scientific American Mind. Jan 2010.
- Fisher, H. (2000). “Lust, Attraction, Attachment: Biology and Evolution of the Three Primary Emotion Systems for Mating, Reproduction, and Parenting.” Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25:96-104.
- John Gottman and Nan Silver, “What Makes Love Last?” (Simon & Schuster, 2012).
- Johnson, Steven. (March 1, 2003). "Emotions and the Brain: Love". Discover.
- Merzenich, Michael, perf. Growing evidence of brain plasticity. TED.com, 2004.
By Bonny Albo
Dating Expert
