By Nicole Yi, Pop Sugar
The universal love question that most couples want an answer to: what's the secret to making a relationship last? Some say friendship, while others say communication
— both valid responses — but the truth is, relationship success is
largely dependent on intention and new beginnings. When I threw the
loaded question at relationship expert Dr. Dain Heer, he provided three tips for couples without any hesitation.
1. "Getting over every judgment of you and your partner every single day."
This means seeing your significant other as they are. Throw away
everything you've known about them, all the things they did yesterday
that annoyed you, and anything else that could be clouding your
perception of them. By doing so, you're ridding your relationship of any
pretenses and allowing yourselves to start a blank page.
2. "Recognizing that you're choosing to be in a relationship . . . "
[post_ads]"And that you could also choose to leave, so you're making the choice
to be there," Dain told us. Being mindful about what is making you stay
will make you more appreciative of what you have in front of you. It's
also his or her decision to stay in this relationship, as well, so what
are you providing in return to make this just as meaningful and
worthwhile for them? Having both parties acknowledge that effort is a
two-way street will help prevent laziness and help you not take each
other for granted.
3. "Destroy and uncreate your relationship as it was yesterday, every day."
Start anew each day. "You're destroying the structure, and you're
also taking your creative energy out of making those judgments and those
points of view and putting them into what's actually creative," he
said. "It's a mindset, and it's a choice." Making it a conscious
decision to let go of the past (including grudges) can help you both
unveil the next chapter in your partnership. It's a way to start
completely from scratch. You often hear advice such as "spice things up,
try something new," but adding a piece of lingerie, for example,
doesn't take away from any existing notions or expectations. But when
you actively try to strip your relationship of anything bogging it down,
you're left with a whole new foundation to work off of.
Dain shared how a woman in one of his relationship classes asked her
husband to "destroy and uncreate" their marriage for their 25th
anniversary. And she wasn't talking about divorce. "She said, 'What I
want to do is I want to undo every point of view we had about each
other, every wall, every judgment, and all of our past, every single
day, so that we can create our relationship every day,'" Dain said. "He
went, 'OK.' And they did, and their relationship got greater than it had
been in 25 years, and it continues to this day because they still do it
every single day."
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