How to Keep Resentment From Overtaking Your Relationship

The Nest

One wife's take on what she wishes she knew before moving in together.

By Melissa Walker

For this series called Take It From Me, we asked couples to dish about what they wish they knew before moving in with their partner. Read the rest of the stories here.

Julie Pennell, Oxford, England

Julie, a contributor for The Nest, and her husband, Christopher, have been living together for 15 months, first in New York City and now in Oxford, England.

I wish I knew…that you have to plan the stuff merge.
Christopher and I had our own places before we lived together, which meant we had basically two of everything when we combined our space. A few months before we got engaged, I even had the (not so) brilliant idea of buying a new headboard, but we ended up keeping his. I wish I had considered that as we got closer to moving in together and been more strategic about what I was buying. One thing that helped a lot was that we sat down together and talked about what we each wanted to keep. For example, his slow cooker was newer, but my sister had given me mine as a present, so I felt attached to it. It's all give-and-take. It's important that both people have things of their own in the house, otherwise it'll just feel like you're a guest.

I wish I knew…that you can't let resentment build.

When you live with roommates, it's easy to let little annoyances go because confrontation is no fun and you know you'll eventually move out. But with a partner, it's so much more important to say what's on your mind immediately, before it builds up. After five years of living with someone, you can't suddenly explode at him about his habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink—you need to mention it as soon as it comes up. And when your partner tells you about something you do that bothers him, try not to get upset or take it personally. Everyone has little habits, and it's much easier to be open about what bothers you in the beginning.

I wish I knew…that our decorating tastes can work surprisingly well together.

Christopher likes color, and I am more of a neutral girl, so we've had to meet in the middle. We are getting ready to repaint and decorate our apartment, and after lots of discussion, we've decided to paint our living room beige but add a fun, colorful rug and throw pillows. Both of us are excited about the mix.
I wish I knew…that divvying up chores can get you out of things you hate.

I can't stand taking out the trash, but I don't loathe cleaning the bathroom. So Christopher happily empties the garbage, and I happily scrub. We've also established that if you cook for the other person, you get to sit back and relax when it's over—the chef doesn't do the dishes. It's important to divide the work in a way that feels fair to both of you so there's no resentment.



|Featured Content_$type=three$c=3$l=0$m=0$s=hide$rm=0


Advice,70,Anniversary,2,Better Partner,40,Breakup,19,Breakups,3,Broken Hearts,5,Communication,2,Compassion,2,Dating,17,Dating Advice,74,Dating Advice for Women,22,Dating Tips,14,Divorce,16,Featured,11,Features,7,Friendship,39,Girlfriend Grooming,10,Gratitude,10,Happiness,5,Horoscope,31,Impress a Girl,20,Jealousy,2,Long Distance Relationship,24,Love,134,Marriage,102,Newlyweds,4,Online Date Tips,2,Proposal,1,Relationship,130,Relationship Advice,182,Relationship Advice for Men,23,Relationship Advice for Women,27,Relationship Problems,58,Relationship Secrets,14,Relationships,144,Self Care,1,Senior Relationship,2,Single Life,2,Special,16,Special Features,116,Teen Advice,4,Tips,12,Understanding Women,23,Wedding,15,Weddings,25,
Love Magazine: How to Keep Resentment From Overtaking Your Relationship
How to Keep Resentment From Overtaking Your Relationship
Love Magazine
Loaded All Posts Not found any posts VIEW ALL Read More Reply Cancel reply Delete By Home PAGES POSTS View All RECOMMENDED FOR YOU LABEL ARCHIVE SEARCH ALL POSTS Not found any post match with your request Back Home Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat January February March April May June July August September October November December Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec just now 1 minute ago $$1$$ minutes ago 1 hour ago $$1$$ hours ago Yesterday $$1$$ days ago $$1$$ weeks ago more than 5 weeks ago Followers Follow THIS PREMIUM CONTENT IS LOCKED STEP 1: Share. STEP 2: Click the link you shared to unlock Copy All Code Select All Code All codes were copied to your clipboard Can not copy the codes / texts, please press [CTRL]+[C] (or CMD+C with Mac) to copy