Your twenties can be one long, horrible, emotionally-devastating armpit of a decade — due in no small part to the following gentlemen.
20. The guy who Instagrams pictures of himself shirtless. Everybody just calm down.
19. The dull guy whose only positive attribute is taking you out to fancy dinners. No, the $300 solid-gold nori roll is not worth it. Without him, you might have to eat Cup O’Noodles, but you will not have to eat your pride.
18. The guy who spends like a drunken sailor — on his parents’ dime. Some of us do have to dip into the parental fund now and then, but it’s for rent, not for said $300 solid-gold nori roll dinner and the flat-screen TV in the living room.
17. The guy who owns a typewriter. FUCK. THAT.
16. The guy who’s using Foursquare to brag about his nightlife. So he got into that exclusive nightlife venue: “Ironic Dive Bar” For Insanely Rich People. That is great for him. But do we all need to know? I’m about to go take a shit in a really fancy bathroom, want me to check in?
15. The once-a-month hookup you obsessively stalk on Facebook and Twitter. One second he’s here, the next second — poof. You want to find out if he’s seeing someone else, but you don’t want to ask your mutual friends, because that is embarrassing, so you just troll his social media feeds like a rabid animal. NO. Cut it off.
14. The guy with the super avant-garde major. Like “death” or “comedy” or “basket weaving.”
13. The dude who wears a fedora/porkpie hat. Is he the ghost of an old-timey ‘20s guy with a twirly mustache? No? Unacceptable. Related: The guy who wears vests without the rest of the suit, unless he is literally Usher.
12. The flirty male friend with a girlfriend. Always moaning about your girlfriend’s flaws over beer and then casually mentioning that my tits look great today? Get off my lawn.
11. The guy with no ambition except to be the most fucked-up dude at the party. Butt-chugging the most Jose Cuervo at 5 PM on a Tuesday night is not a stable long-term life goal.
10. Anyone with a meaningless tattoo. If it's just random letters of a foreign language that look cool, there is a good chance that it says "You're a Tool" in said language.
9. The guy who brags about that one time he was arrested. Or those two times, or three times. Lets put it this way—are Elliott Stabler and Olivia Benson gonna be knocking on your door anytime soon? If so, avoid.
8. The guy you have to convince to like you. Any time you feel yourself doing a Michigan J. Frog-style tap dance for a guy's approval means that you should have been out of there five minutes ago.
7. The dude with poor grammar. You don't itch yourself. You scratch yourself.
6. The guy who's obsessed with Jack Kerouac/Charles Bukowski/William S. Burroughs. We get it. Related: Mansplainers.
5. The guy who doesn't read, other than that one time he read Fight Club.
4. The guy who talks down to you. You tell him you got a promotion, and he responds, "That's adorable."
3. The guy who doesn't know what he wants. This is a frustrating early-twenties male epidemic — and perhaps the most frustrating element is that he's very likely told you that he doesn't know what he wants from the get-go. You just didn't want to hear it. (Not that I am projecting.) GTFO before it's too late, and you are pumicing your foot and watching Frasier with your cat. (Again: Not projecting.)
2. The guy your best friend has a crush on. This was actually chiseled into a stone wall as part of Hammurabi's code.
1. Justin Bobby. Never forget.
By Anna Breslaw
