 |
| Ⓒ Provided by Women's Health |
By Madeline Howard and Jessica Migala, Women's Health
Physical abuse is a more clear line, but emotional abuse can get downplayed or minimized by both the abuser and the person being abused, explains Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, founder and clinical director at Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.
So what actually qualifies as emotional abuse? Well, it manifests itself in a lot of ways. Emotional abuse can be subjective, meaning what qualifies as emotional abuse might look different in every relationship, explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute.
In general, however, emotional abuse is often behavior that allows the abusive partner to exert power or control by being demeaning or invalidating, or preventing their partner from doing things they want to do, says Bobby. (Like spending time with friends and family, or having a say in household finances.) Emotional abuse can also happen under the guise of "teasing," "joking," or "telling it like it is," Bobby adds.
At the heart of this type of abuse is coercion, says Bobby. "There’s a fear that if you do something that displeases them, they won’t physically harm you, but there’s an implied threat," she says. This might look like the abusive partner threatening to kill themselves if their partner leaves, or the abuser telling their partner they'll never survive life without them. "The real damage of abusive relationships many times comes from these psychological threats," says Bobby.
If you think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, you're not alone: About half of adults in the U.S. will experience "psychological aggression" by a partner at some point in their life, according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Read More: Is Your Relationship Too Close For Its Own Good?
Since emotional abuse may be harder to spot than physical trauma, here's what different types of emotional abuse might look like:
Humiliation
One way that your partner can be emotionally abusive is through humiliating you in public or in the privacy of your home. Perhaps they’re always making jokes at your expense, or maybe they make a habit of criticizing you in front of an audience, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Honolulu. "Whatever the comment is or where it’s made, it has a flavor to it," Brito says. "It’s supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s supposed to be not nice."In short, the aim is to make you feel not only bad about yourself in the moment, but do long-term damage to your self-esteem, in order to cheapen your feelings of self-worth. This is a power move aimed at making you feel as if you're not capable of something, or you're not worth or worthy of attention or respect from others or your partner.
Denial
"Denial is a way to instill doubt in you," Brito explains. Picture it: You bring up a comment your partner made that hurt you. When they’re using the denial tactic, they might refuse to accept that they said the comment in the first place. Or perhaps when you confront them for isolating you from friends and family, they try to make you believe it's your fault that your friends don't want to see you more often.Suddenly, the truth seems fuzzy. Ultimately, the point of denial is to make you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world, forcing you to rely on them for thoughts or explanations, Brito explains. They will become your source of "truth," leading to an unhealthy pattern of self-doubt.
Criticism
If your partner is constantly putting you down, you're likely in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s insidious, since one comment might not be a big deal, but little by little, the harassment crushes your self-esteem, Brito explains.It might look like them saying that the things you say or do are worthless, or perhaps they’re commenting negatively on your appearance. The more you hear that, the more you start to believe it's true (even though it’s not). When you believe it’s true, you might start to think that your partner is the only person you have in your life, or that you’re not worthy of a better relationship, Brito says, which just draws you deeper into your abuser's arms.
Control
Your partner might be controlling if they often try to limit what you’re allowed to do day-to-day. You might hear a lot from your partner about what you "can’t" do, Skyler says, along with lots of rigid boundaries that you do not agree with, but feel you must comply with so as not to upset them. "Control is a way to keep you in check," Brito explains. It extends to all aspects of your life, such as who you can see and where you can go. Your partner might even look at your phone to double check that you’re adhering to the rules they’ve put in place, Brito says.Accusations and Blame
If you’re constantly fielding out-of-nowhere accusations and blame from your partner, it’s another strong sign of emotional abuse in the relationship. Most of the time, a partner who is constantly dolling out these complaints is feeling their own "guilt and shame," Brito says.To deal with this, "they’re going to pass it over to you and accuse you," Brito explains, so that they can regain a sense of control. As a deflection, your partner might even blame you for things they’ve done themselves, Brito notes. For example: Perhaps your partner has been engaging in infidelity? They might start accusing you of cheating, essential deflecting from their own behavior.
Codependence
In an emotionally abusive relationship, codependence can work two ways. For some people, their abuser makes it so that they are completely dependent on them for all their needs: Finances, friendship, emotional support, shelter, and more, Brito explains.In other cases, your partner is being emotionally abusive in that they are completely dependent on you. Perhaps they make you put their needs before your own all the time, such as "making you finance their car payment before you pay your rent," Brito explains. Or, they make you drop them off at work, which, in turn, makes you late to your shift. Overall, codependence can manifest in a variety of ways—but it typically means that the relationship is severely unbalanced.
Read More: Reddit Is Exploding With People Revealing the Moments They Knew Divorce Was Coming
Emotional Neglect
This kind of emotional abuse isn’t always intentional, Skyler says—though that doesn’t make it any less serious. Partners who are emotionally neglectful oftentimes "don’t have the capacity to show up emotionally," Skyler says.When there’s conflict in your relationship, they’ll "turtle up," which means they might self-isolate, leave the house, refuse to speak with you, and more, Skyler explains. It’s possible that they’ll even disappear for days "as a weapon," Skyler says, as if they're attempting to manipulate you into seeking them out or feeling sorry for them. All in all, emotional neglect is just another way to control you and give them the upper hand in your relationship.
Isolation
Yes, your partner might be standing in the way of your relationships and keeping you isolated on purpose: Eighteen percent of women say a partner has tried to keep them from seeing family and friends, notes the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).Indeed, "abusive relationships are supported by isolation," says Bobby. Getting an outside perspective on your relationship can help shed some much-needed light on what’s really happening, which is why the abuser may actively prevent friends and family from having access to you. At the same time, it can also look completely different—the abuser may portray you as bad or wrong in an effort to have family members turn against you, Bobby adds, making you feel like you're in the wrong, or that you don't have a support system.
Okay, so how do you deal with an emotionally abusive relationship?
If you're wondering whether you should leave an emotionally abusive relationship, just know: "It gets worse. It does not get better," says Bobby. "This is an unhealthy relationship." In some cases, emotionally abusive relationships can even lead to physical abuse and a lack of safety.In fact, "experts have found that emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, and that verbal abuse early in a relationship predicts physical abuse later on, usually after partners marry," according to DomesticShelters.org, a non-profit online and mobile directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in the U.S. and Canada.
If you think you're living through a cycle of emotional abuse, reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, an online resource that will digitally connect you with a domestic violence counselor 24/7, Bobby says. You can also call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Advocates will help you plan a safe way out, provide support after you leave, help you find a safe haven for a pet, and give information on legal action you can take to prioritize your safety.
See more at Women's Health
