 |
| © Provided by AOL Inc. |
By Kelsey Borresen, HuffPost
The holidays can be a hectic time of year for many, between the shopping, cooking, traveling and partying. And when you’re part of a couple, trying to figure out how to divide time between your respective families adds a whole other layer of stress.
The first step is making a plan with your significant other.
Broaching the subject of how to split up the time ― especially if both
of you have family plans and traditions you don’t want to give up ― can
be tricky. Therapist Kurt Smith
recommended opening up the conversation by first asking your partner
what he or she has in mind, instead of going straight to what you want.
“Starting
off by seeing what your partner is thinking about time with their
family and then afterward expressing your wishes for time with yours is a
gentle approach that can lead to a mutually acceptable compromise,” he
told HuffPost. “Whatever you do, don’t start off by announcing your
plans. Put your partner first, and it’s most likely to lead to a win-win
for both of you.”
So
how do you make the effort to spend time with relatives without running
yourself ragged or offending family members? Psychotherapist Elisabeth J. LaMotte emphasized the importance of establishing boundaries and expectations with family.
“It
is reasonable to explain [to family members] that making two trips
during one holiday will feel too overwhelming and simply won’t be
possible,” LaMotte said. “This boundary can be set with kindness and
respect and can include a suggestion for an alternative plan next year
or next holiday.”
We asked couples to tell us the different ways they divvy up the holidays between their families. Here’s what they told us:
If your families live a few hours from each other:
“For
the major holidays, it’s important to both of us to spend quality time
with each of our families. Since my husband and I started dating, we
split the holidays. Thanksgiving Day is spent with his family and we
celebrate with my family the following day. We spend Christmas Eve with
his family and Christmas Day with my family.
The first year of us
dating definitely presented some challenges with how to spend the
holidays because each of our families had been used to things being
celebrated a certain way for a long time. For example, he used to spend
both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family prior to us dating.
There was never anger from our families, but rather a feeling of hurt
and disappointment. We never wanted any relatives to feel unappreciated
or left out, which was why splitting the holidays is so important to
us.” ― Elizabeth I.
If your families live very far apart:
“My
husband’s family lives on the opposite coast, so getting together with
them during the holidays involves a big trip. When we were married but
had no kids, we went back East a few times at the holidays. But after
kids, we decided it was best if we didn’t travel that far, especially at
Christmas, because the kids like to be home. It’s hard because we love
seeing his family, but once you have kids, things really change.
My
family lives about an hour away, so we do get together with them at
Christmas. Since my sister and I both have kids, we decided that
everyone would celebrate Christmas morning at their own houses, then we
would get together in the early afternoon and spend the rest of
Christmas together (and have Christmas dinner together). This has worked
out really well.
For Thanksgiving, we go to Hawaii with our
friends (a family who has kids the same age as our kids). At first, I
think this bothered my family because they liked having everyone
together on Thanksgiving. To their credit, they came around and are now
OK with it. One thing I learned is that there is no easy way to say,
‘Hey family, we won’t be joining you for Thanksgiving because we will be
in Hawaii with friends.’ The first time I told them, they were kind of
shocked. But we’ve gone several times now, so it’s become routine.
Since
we don’t get to see my husband’s family at Thanksgiving or Christmas,
we do try to see them other times — like New Year’s Eve or the Fourth of
July. Times when it’s a bit easier to make that trip.” ― Adrienne Hedger
If your families live very close together:
“We
live really close to our families, just a couple of streets away from
each parents’ house. On Christmas, we wake up at home and head straight
over to my husband Rob’s parents’ house. We have coffee and open presents and head straight over to my parents’ house for breakfast and more presents which takes us to lunchtime.
Rob
heads home and eats an early dinner at his parents’ house while I stay
back and prepare food with my family. We prepare a meal for around 10 to
12 people most years, so the extra pair of hands are needed! Rob then
comes back around 6 p.m. for Christmas dinner No. 2. I don’t know if
you’ve ever seen ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding,’ but that is pretty much my
life. You can’t leave the table without having at least two platefuls.
Then, for dessert, Rob’s family comes to my parents’ house and we all
eat cake together and play Heads Up until we’re all drunk and tired
enough to head back to our sofas for some typical Christmas TV
specials!” ― Lily Butcher
If your families live close-ish but driving is a pain in the butt:
“My
wife and I alternate holidays each year. This year we are doing
Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with hers, and next year it
will be vice-versa. Our families live an hour apart, and after eating, I
don’t feel like getting up off of the couch, let alone driving that
far. My family is Italian ― my mom gets upset if I don’t call her once a
day, so of course they are disappointed when we aren’t there for a
holiday. It is tough because I miss the tradition of my mom asking, ‘Is
something burning?’ but as the years go on it gets easier.
Seriously
though, my advice is: Explain to your family you love them both and
wish you could spend every holiday with them but let them know they are
always in your thoughts.” ― Dan Regan
