Sometimes the key to having a happy and healthy relationship is to ignore all that relationship advice out there! Well… not all
of it. But often the cliché tips you’ve heard a million times from
friends, family, or women’s magazines don’t apply to your particular
situation. There might be some universal truths about relationships, but
there’s rarely a one-size-fits-all prescription for a given couple or
situation.
Plus, we all learn a lot about what makes a
relationship work best by being in one and taking things as they comes.
So, here are 11 pieces of relationship advice you likely never hear, but
should definitely know.
Actually, it’s OK to Go to Bed Angry
Sometimes you just might be too tired or
stressed to talk about a sensitive issue or work out a fight at the end
of a long day—and that’s OK. In fact, often getting some sleep will make
it easier for you to have an important conversation, says psychologist
and relationship expert Dr. Laura Ciel. “This
doesn’t mean yelling at them or getting a last verbal attack in and
then shutting down. It means letting your partner know that you will
return to the issue when you’re ready the next day and reassuring them
how much you love them and/or how much you care about them and the
relationship.” Don’t make the fight bigger than the relationship!
Just Love Isn’t Enough
It’s not just about love—it’s about
connection. “Connection is what pulls love along with you wherever you
go,” says love and relationship coach, Jessica Elizabeth Opert.
“We can indeed pile an entire amazing life into the cart of love,
however, without the connection to pull it, the cart stops and love
dies, so focus less on how to create more love, and instead, ask
yourself, how can I connect more with my partner?” Connection
is strengthened when you share activities, go through challenges
together, and honestly communicate with each other.
Take a Break from Talking
You can’t seem to read or hear about any
relationship advice without being told how important communication is,
right? That’s true, but it doesn’t always mean talking about things over
and over to resolve it perfectly. “Sometimes the best thing you can do
is STOP talking, breathe, go for a walk and remember why your
relationship matters so much to you,” says Ciel. “Reconnecting with the
bigger picture of your love for this person can help you filter out
the unnecessary words and zero in on what you really want to say from a
place of love.”
Lying (Occasionally) is Fine
It’s important to be honest on the whole,
but there’s a difference between being honest and hurtful. White lies
involve omitting the truth to spare someone’s feelings. For example, if
your partner worked hard to make you a nice meal and the food wasn’t so
great, you might say the meal was good if asked in order to avoid
hurting them, says relationship therapist Kimberly Hershenson.
“White lies are not okay if something is consistently bothering you.
For instance, if every holiday season your partner buys you a gift you
don’t like, instead of smiling and saying how much you like it,
communicate how you feel.”
Quit Dreaming
Dreaming and imagining is great when you do
it with your partner about your future together, or do it yourself and
then share. But don’t waste any time wishing and hoping for something
you’re not willing to say out loud to your partner. “Stop waiting for
your partner to read your mind and start asking for what you want,” says
Ciel. “This applies in the bedroom, as well as other areas of your
life. Once you’re clear on what you hope for, share it!”
Go Easy on the Gifts
Make an agreement with each other to
minimize gift exchanging and get into the habit of spending money on
experiences you can do together instead, suggests sexpert Bethany Ricciardi.
“I’m not saying he/she doesn’t love the jewelry and new Nikes, but
doing things like trying a new restaurant, going to concerts, or taking
classes are things that you’re actually going to remember and appreciate
more, since you’ll be creating memories together.”
You Don’t Need to Be Best Friends
We’re practically spoon-fed the message that
we should be dating and/or marrying our best friend—but it’s simply not
true. “It’s perfectly normal to have a best friend that you call often,
confide in, and spend time with who is not your partner,” says licensed
marriage and family therapist Dr. Racine Henry.
“Be clear about the boundaries of that friendship so that you’re not
disrespecting your relationship, but don’t expect your partner to play
the role of BFF either.” There are just some things that your partner
won’t be interested in hearing about that you can only talk to a close
friend about.
Don’t Tell Your Friends and Family Everything
Parents and close friends are always going
to ask about your relationship, and while you might be inclined to dish
to them about bedroom issues you’re having or seek their advice on other
annoyances, try to keep it general rather than spilling all the dirt.
Hershenson says it’s important not to share these personal details of
your relationship with others—especially fights or your sex life (a.k.a. the juiciest stuff you really want to talk about). This can
cause you to get the wrong advice from those who might be a little
biased towards either you or your partner, which can only make things
worse. Talk to a therapist or someone impartial instead.
Finances Matter… a Lot
People who don’t share core values and a
shared mindset around money make for terrible partners. “One of the top
causes of divorce is a lack of alignment around money,” says Opert.
“That can mean spending the money, saving the money, sharing the money,
and how we emotionally value money. Financial talk can lead to more
arguments and disconnection in relationships, which is why it’s one of
the most important parts of creating a happy, fulfilled, and sustainable
relationship.” So talk out any concerns or differences you might have
ASAP.
Dirty Compliments Can Do Wonders
Saying you love his ass or her tits isn’t as
traditional as saying how much you love that new outfit, but it brings
flirting to an entirely new and sexy level, says Ricciardi. “Send her a
text that says, ‘Just want to tell you how much I love your clit… I was
just thinking about it,’ or ‘Can’t stop thinking about your cock,’ in
the middle of the day will make your partner smile—guaranteed. Couples
end up loving it, and I find it just keeps things interesting and
exciting.”
Your S.O.’s Friends and Family Don’t Have to Love You
Ideally, it kind of makes things easier when
your partner’s friends and family think you’re awesome and love having
you around. But it’s certainly not a requirement for a
successful relationship. “If you and your partner’s best friend or
relative don’t get along, that’s OK. As long as there’s an understanding
of mutual respect and your partner isn’t influenced by that person’s
feelings about you, there’s no need to be fake or force a friendship,”
says Henry. People sometimes don’t click and as long as that person is
not treating you badly, all you need to do is coexist politely when
necessary.
