By
Amy Levin-Epstein, Best Life
Relationships are funny things: One partner can be cruising along
thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling
up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on
the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk
anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying
for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment
that you’re committed to her happiness.
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Here’s the video primer: 4 phrases to rock her world
The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like
tropical plants, and men are like cacti. Studies suggest that the
average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just
2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the
electronic image of John Madden. And it’s that discrepancy between our
verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot and
sex-filled relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.
Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can
predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay
married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After
reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist
John Gottman, Ph.D., of the University of Washington’s Relationship
Research Institute, and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin
Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict
likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for
marital conversation.” A 5-to-1 ratio of positive comments to negative
ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that
suggests trouble ahead.
A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be
more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like
telling him to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in
practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to
know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other
intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little
distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up.
Here’s what to say. And if you’re still on the market, we’ve got your
back, too: don’t miss the best
Dating Apps for People Over 40.
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“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating
the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples
you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbor goes
through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in
your own marriage. And that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s
sex drive. Consider a survey that asked 2,000 women for the key factor
in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: Forty-six
percent responded “knowing where the relationship is headed.” To
rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made
to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album—they’re all still there,
but she needs spoken evidence, too. Also, be sure to memorize the
Secrets of the Best Relationships.
“I understand how important this is to you.”
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you
understand them, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute
for Psychological and Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio. And one of the
ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into
action every time she expresses concern about something—a common male
default. Instead of saying “here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to
her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you
disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations
of how much you respect her. And for more great relationship advice,
don’t miss the
5 Ways to Know She’s “The One.”
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“Let me tell you how my presentation went.”
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear “fine, and
yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the
effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was
nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when
they realized I was right.” “She needs to hear you talk about your
feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your
feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you,” says Les Parrott
III, Ph.D., the author of Love Talk. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to know the
15 Ways to Impress Any Woman.
“Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow. Tonight should just be about us.”
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible,
whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into
the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your
relationship each day,” says Parrott. And if things do heat up, you’ll
definitely want to know the Yoga Moves that
Will Transform Your Sex Life.
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“I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good.”
Here’s a shocker: When it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more
selfish than men. In a University of California at Santa Cruz survey of
85 men and 77 women ages 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said
they fantasized about pleasing their partners, while more than half of
the women fantasized about their own pleasure. “Women focus on
themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is
prioritized,” says study author Eileen Zubriggan, Ph.D. Key in to her
fantasy; let her know her wish is your command.
“Put the 14th on your calendar; I’m taking you away.”
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., the author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises
testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their
most fertile days. The science: A study of 68 sexually active women
published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed
elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in
frequency of intercourse during the 6 days leading up to each woman’s
ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting 2 weeks
after she begins her period and subtracting 6 days. And for
travel-related inspiration, here are the
11 Ultimate Adventure Vacations.
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“I’ll draw you a bath.”
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress
of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., the
author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
“A few minutes of foreplay usually aren’t enough.” After a few years
together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman
takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.
“You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”
A study conducted at Purdue University found that long-distance
couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live with
each other. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance
lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when
they do see each other,” explains Mary Carole Pistole, Ph.D., an
associate professor of counseling psychology at Purdue University.
To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by
buying her a plane ticket for a minivacation from you to one of the
Best Exotic Vacations in the World.
“I adore your freckles.”
In order to feel sexy, a woman first has to feel beautiful. “Women
get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., of
Rutgers University, the author of Why We Love. “You look
beautiful” is a fine comment. But follow up by complimenting her on
something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This
assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other
woman in the room. Remember: paying a woman a great compliment is just
one of the
30 Life Skills Every Man Should Know.
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“I’ve always thought it would be fun if you didn’t use your hands.”
During those times when the two of you are on solid ground and you
want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a
bit. A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were
interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive.
“Don’t imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale,” says
Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s
about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”
“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos.”
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share—whether it’s a birth
date, a passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation
spot—will ignite her desire for you, suggests research published in the
journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s
even a scientific term for the phenomenon: “implicit egotism.” It means
we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of
ourselves.
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“I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.”
In a study of 3,500 people completed in 2003, researchers at the
University of California at Riverside found that men who performed the
most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners
than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again,
women react to verbal cues: It helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever
you feel the urge to wash, dry, or fold.
“The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care.”
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless
and risk-taking, according to a study published recently in the journal
Evolution and Human Behavior. In the study, which involved 52
women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to
climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump
into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said
they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed
by the thrill-seeking adventurers.
“A woman wants a mate who is going to survive to continue being a
provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author
William Farthing, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of
Maine.
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