Is
it too soon to get engaged? Turns out, successful relationship
timelines often have less to do with how long it's been since you swiped
right, and more to do with how much you lovebirds have been through
since getting together. According to Rebecca Hendrix, a licensed
marriage and family therapist in New York, there are seven relationship
benchmarks you and bae should hit before making your commitment legal,
whether you're a summer fling turned serious or have been coupled up
since high school.
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A marriage will be chock full of challenges. "One element of
successful relationships is knowing that your partner has your back and
is there for you," Hendrix says. To be confident that you and your
partner know how to be supportive when a storm hits, make sure you can
point to at least one challenge (big or small) the two of you have
weathered together. If you had a family crisis or had to take on a
grueling work project and your partner was suddenly MIA, that's not a
good sign. "Make sure you are with someone who can see the importance of
connecting with you," says Hendrix. "Especially when life is a spinning
top and things get tough."
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This is about more than just having dinner
with the parents—it's important to get real about what your partner's
family dynamics look like and how you'll fit into them. "If you are fine
seeing your family only on major holidays and he or she would like to
spend every Friday night having dinner at his or her parent's
house, then you will have a problem if these expectations aren't
managed," says Hendrix. Talk about how you'll coordinate quality time
with all the in-laws.
Fights about money
are one of the biggest threats to a relationship, says Hendrix. "Know
your own relationship with money—why you love it, hate it, are scared of
it, or hoard it. How you view money will determine what you do with it,
which will probably be different than your partner," she says. The fact
that you constantly save while she blows cash (or vice versa) might not
be a big deal now, but as you merge more and more of your finances, it
will be. Before you get engaged, make some financial decisions together,
whether that's splitting rent or splurging on a big vacation.
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No matter how hot and heavy it is now, your
sex life will inevitably ebb and flow over the course of your
relationship. "Make sure you both can talk about your sex life,
make an effort to know each other's body and discuss what you might do
if things get stale," says Hendrix. Make sure that maintaining your
connection in the bedroom is of equal importance to you both.
Even if you don't currently share a lease or
want to wait until you're married to move in, you should still spend
some serious time in each other's spaces, says Hendrix. Before taking
that next step, "make sure you have a way of dealing with each person's
slightly different take on messy vs. clean," she says.
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To really confirm you're compatible for the
long haul, immerse yourselves in each other's lives as completely as you
will when married, says Hendrix. "If you both love to travel, book a
week in Machu Picchu to make sure you travel well together
and that you like to see the tops of mountains as much as he or she
does. If you love going to concerts, take your partner along to see how
he or she fares." Most importantly, determine how important it is for
you to do these types of things together, she adds. If you want to spend
the next 10 years traveling with your best friend, make sure your
significant other is cool with it.
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