You were greatly chocked and devastated when your ex broke up with you. It came out of nowhere, as it were. You did your fair share of pleading and begging, attempting to make him (or her) reconsider. But after a while you realized that it wasn't going to happen.
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Despite all that, the two of you maintain contact and continue seeing each other as faint acquaintances or as part of common social circles. At some point your ex suddenly indicates—perhaps somewhat vaguely—that he might consider getting back together. But is he really seriously considering this? Or is he merely regarding you as a backup, someone to have on the sidelines if nothing else works out? Here are 8 signs that your isn't truly considering reuniting but is just stringing you along:
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1. Even if your ex indicates that he is considering getting back together, he is not very forthcoming about the details of this. The plans seem rather indefinite.
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2. Your ex is still on dating apps or sites, such as Tinder, Bumble and OkCupid. Or he is still going out alone or with the guys to places where hookups are possible or even likely.
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3. Despite indicating in words or (perhaps) actions that he is considering reuniting with you, you learn that he is sleeping with others, and not just meaningless sex, in fact he is having very intimate exchanges with other romantic interests and sees certain interested parties on more than one occasion in intimate ways.
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4. When your ex contacts you, the content of his messages typically are mostly of the kind you would send to a friend. They are furthermore far and few between, just frequent enough to string you along but not frequent enough to really mean anything over and above that.
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5. If you make plans to do something together with your ex, such as having a drink after work or going to a happy hour, he frequently cancels or changes plans on you. If you suggest doing something together, his typical reply is that prefers to play it by ear (likely so he can see whether he better options come along).
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6. When you finally are in touch with your in person, via phone or social media, he doesn't take a real interest in your life. He doesn't ask a lot of genuine questions about how your or your family are doing or what you have been up to, because he doesn't really care about you. What he cares about is keeping you on the sidelines.
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7. Should your ex agree to a get-together, the event will be on his terms. He will not make any serious sacrifices to see you. He is more likely to tell you that you are welcome to come along to an event he has already decided he is going to.
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8. Even if you have had sex with him, he is not acting very affectionate, seductive or flirtatious toward you—in fact, the affection he directs toward you is rather sparse (or nonexistent) compared to the affection he shows others he is seeing. From the outside, it might look like you are just old pals.
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If only a few of these behaviors fit you and your ex or if these behaviors do not happen very frequently, they may not be a sign of anything other than miscommunication. But if these signs are pretty typical of your "relationship" with your ex, it may be time to cut the connection with him (or her) altogether. Alternatively, consider acting just like him: remove him from the center of your life.
By Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D | Psychology Today.
