By Marissa Laliberte, Readers Digest
Think you know the rules for a healthy, happy marriage? Some of
these secrets from happy couples may make you rethink how you relate to
your mate.
They fall asleep at the same time
Wives who are happier with their marriage overlapped with their husband’s sleep
schedule about 90 percent of time, according to a recent University of
Pittsburgh study that tracked sleep patterns and relationship
satisfaction scores for 46 married heterosexual couples for 10 days.
Women who weren’t as satisfied with their marriages overlapped with as
little as half of their husbands’ times asleep, the study found. If your
schedule doesn’t let you go to bed at the same time as your partner,
try to find other times during the day to connect, study author Heather
Gunn, a psychologist and sleep researcher, told the New York Times.
“My hunch is that the person feels a need for more closeness or
security. We don’t innately need to go to bed at the same time; the
desire usually comes from someplace else.”
And they're not afraid to go to bed mad
Even the happiest couples will fall asleep while they’re still fuming over a fight, says Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher and author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference.
Trying to force a resolution can lead to saying words you could regret
in the morning. The trick, Feldhahn says, is to revisit the issue the
next day with a clear head, instead of ignoring or forgetting about it.
Of the 1,000 couples she talked to, the partners who rated their
marriages the happiest were eight times less likely than those with
unhappier relationships to pretend the fight had never happened when
they woke up.
They each have a strong squad
Regular guys’ and girls’ nights out make your marriage stronger. People with large friendship
networks are typically happier in relationships than those who focus
all their energy on romantic partnerships, says Pepper Schwartz,
co-author of The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship.
“They aren’t as isolated and dependent only on each other,” Schwartz
says. “It doesn’t take away from the relationship, but enriches it.”
They’re not brutally honest
Telling the truth is important in a relationship, but make sure to use a kind tone and not be too blunt. (And these lies
are perfectly fine to tell your partner). Feldhahn’s research has shown
that the happiest couples are considerate of a spouse’s feelings when
expressing something that might be hard to hear. “Some couples talk to
their spouse like they never would with a close friend,” Feldhahn says.
“The happiest couples used the same tone of voice in private as they
would with a friend in public.”
They don’t always put their kids first
No one needs to be told that having
kids—of any age!—is exhausting, but focusing all your energy on your
offspring leaves little time to give your significant other attention,
says Irina Firstein, a licensed individual and couples therapist in New
York. “Couples with kids can’t just come home and be together,” she
says. “When the kids go to bed, that time becomes very precious.” Make
that one-on-one time matter by staying off your phone and not wordlessly
zoning out in front of the TV. If you do want to catch up on your
favorite show, make it meaningful by cuddling on the couch and talking
about it with your partner, Firstein says.
They’re OK with PDA
Happy couples are more likely to hug
and hold hands in public than less happy ones, Schwartz says. Not only
does hand holding make it harder to argue, she says, but it also lowers
tension and levels of the stress hormone cortisol. “It serves as an
emotional reassurance that you’re a couple and a team; you’re not just
on your own,” Schwartz says.
They assume breaking up is not an option
Protections against a breakup, like
setting aside money in a separate bank account, show you don’t trust
your partner, Feldhahn says. The happiest couples she interviewed tended
to share bank accounts, make themselves emotionally vulnerable, and
never bring up divorce, she says. Doing so makes couples more likely to
work through problems instead of contemplating ending their
relationship. “All the things you do to protect yourself builds a little
wall,” Feldhahn says. “The happy couples did the ‘foolish’ thing of
jumping in completely with no escape hatch.”
They compromise, not sacrifice
Relationships should be about mutual
happiness, which means you should be flexible when disagreements arise,
Firstein says. Instead of automatically giving in to your partner’s
demands, find a middle ground you can both agree on. “I don’t like the
word ‘sacrifice’ because it leads to resentment,” she says.
“Compromising means sometimes we do things my way, sometimes yours. Both
give a little bit.”
They keep score ... of the good stuff
While tallying up everything your
significant other does wrong is a harmful habit, noticing the good
things can start a cycle of nice gestures from both partners. Taking
note of your partner’s loving acts will make you more likely to do
something sweet in return, Feldhahn says. “It starts with noticing what
the other person is giving,” Feldhahn says. “Because the happiest
couples are keeping score, it’s natural that they want to give something
back.”
