By Cherie Burbach
Friendship Expert
When you’re married, you represent more than just your individual
interests. You have to make choices that honor the union itself and
choose friends that would be good for your marriage. This doesn’t mean
you have to have the same friends as your spouse (although having a few couples friends in common never hurts), but instead means that whoever you are friends with should not come between you and your spouse.
One
type of bond that seems to complicate some relationships is the
opposite sex friendship. If handled well, this type of friendship can be
very rewarding. But because of its nature, it needs to be given special
consideration. You can’t just tell your spouse “get over it” if they’re
feeling jealous. What’s more, your behavior in a friendship like this
might be called into question, so you have to make sure you’re
representing your marriage well.
If the Friend Was Once an Ex
Being friends with your ex is noble if it’s done naturally and not forced.
In other words, it takes time to build a true
friendship after you break up. But if you declare yourself “friends”
immediately after ending the relationship and then try to move on to a
new romantic partner, you’ll inevitably have some lingering issues to
work through. You need time to properly say goodbye to the old
relationship before you can truly be friends with an ex.
Add to
this a brand new spouse and your behavior might not be representative of
someone who is focused on the needs of your marriage. You might be used
to pleasing your ex instead, not wanting to upset them or cause an
argument. Perhaps you even think your spouse will understand because
they are a more reasonable person than your ex (after all, you did
choose to marry them and not the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend).
But
after the wedding, you need to put your marriage first. If there is any
issue at all about your friendship with an ex (either from the ex’s poor
behavior or your own insecurities) you need to talk to your ex. Tell
them how important your marriage is to you and ask them to amend their
attitude so you’re able to stay friends with them. If they refuse, you
need to walk away.
When Your Spouse Is Uncomfortable With Your Friendship
If
your spouse feels weird about your friendship, help reassure them. They
might worry that you’ll end up leaving them for your friend, or even
that you’ll want to spend time away from them.
If the issue is
that they’re jealous or uncomfortable, have your spouse meet your friend
(if they haven’t yet) to put their mind at ease. Plan a few dinner
where it’s the three of you (or invite others along as well) so you can
all get to know one another. If, after spending time with your friend,
your spouse is still uncomfortable, you’ll have to discuss things with
them again and perhaps get some distance from the friendship if it comes
to that. Your spouse may warm up to the friendship eventually, but
fitting in a platonic friendship when you’re married sometimes takes time.
Pay
attention to the specific reasons your spouse is uncomfortable with the
friendship, and do some soul searching to determine if they’re right.
You might be too close to see the truth.
When Your Spouse Is Fine With Your Friend, But Everyone Else Thinks It’s a Bad Idea
It’s not always your spouse that has a problem with your friendship. Perhaps your other friends don’t like it, or acquaintances rumble about there being “inappropriate” behavior. Only you know what’s right for your life, but if you hear rumors about your friendship you should look at the situation objectively to see if there’s any truth to what people are saying.
For example, do you:
- Flirt with your friend?
- Stay over at their house?
- Spend a lot of time with them alone?
These
are situations that can look bad to people who don’t know you very
well. While you shouldn’t live your life to please others, you should be
sensitive to how your represent your marriage to the world. Acting
inappropriately (even when you’re not having a physical relationship
with someone) can be harmful to your marriage.
Finding Balance
Sometimes
all it takes is time to figure out how to be friends with someone from
the opposite sex without it causing harm or bad feelings in your
marriage. Communicate properly with your friend and your spouse to make sure you’re doing all you can to keep your marriage healthy and strong. Men and women can
be just friends, so if the friendship is important to you and and your
spouse doesn’t have a problem with it, you will be able to make it work
eventually.
source: about.com
