By most accounts the first year of marriage - barring that all too
brief honeymoon phase replete with sex and lots of it - is difficult at
best. There's something about marriage, the act of committing to each
other for life, that brings with it all sorts of unrealistic
expectations and unexpected tensions. Many newlyweds, even those who
lived with their spouse before getting hitched, have no idea what
"marriage" is going to be like. How could they? No one ever tells them.
To
be honest, marriage can be like peace negotiations during times of war,
especially during that first year. Both sides know that it's in their
best interest to unite and work together, but they can't help but cling
to their independence and whatever it was that launched the war
in the first place. Unlike warring nations, however, couples should
have love at their base. This can help them reach agreements faster - or
at least it should. But first they have to realize that marriage isn't
some sort of fantasy.
Neither of them is going to change over night. You are going to fight sometimes. And marriage takes some getting used to.
Knowing
marriage secrets - those things that no one bothered to mention while
you were picking out wedding colors and china patterns - can go a long
way to keeping the peace and getting through that difficult first year.
Here's what you need to know about marriage:
Marriage is hard work.
All
that wooing and communication that took place during your courtship
needs to be part of your marriage, too. People often think that they can
rest on their laurels once they're married. They figure, "I've got the
girl or guy now, so why do I have to send flowers, remember birthdays,
be romantic, or discuss problems?" This is flawed logic. It is actually
more important to remind your spouse why you are so lovable than it was
when you were just dating. After all, now you have to live with each
other, and you know the other person's every flaw. If you want someone
to put up with your bad habits, such as leaving dresser drawers open or
spending way too much time in the bathroom, you better give them reasons
to stick around, too. Also, no one wants to feel as though they are
being taken for granted. It can breed resentment.
Showing your spouse you care - even if it's just with a kiss goodnight
or a love letter in his lunch - helps him or her forget about all the
rest. More importantly, these demonstrations, including talking about
everything from your day to whether to have children, reminds your
spouse why he or she chose to marry you. By the way, although it is
work, none of these actions should feel like chores. You should want to
do them and get pleasure out of them, even communicating about difficult
topics that need discussing. Isn't this all just part of love, after
all?
You have not won the lottery.
People tend to think that
having a dual income, which is what usually happens when couples first
marry, is like winning the lottery. They feel as though they are rich.
That's rarely the case. Yes, you will probably have more money if you
join your earnings. Not every couple does. Some keep their finances or
part of their finances separate. Others put all their money together in
one account and they own everything together, too. That's great.
Regardless, you will have more expenses. Your earnings double, but so
does your spending. You're paying for the medical care of two people,
food for two people, shelter for two people. And since many young
couples quit living like they are in a dorm, you might find yourself
spending on nicer furniture, tools for cooking, and the like. In any
event, you should avoid living too large. Save your money
and make sure you don't get into financial hot water. Remember, you're
in this marriage for the long haul and you have many, many years to be
together. Think about having money for a house, vacations, children, and
retirement. All those years and experiences will require serious funds,
so start to save now.
Marriage takes some getting used to.
Hearing
yourselves referred to as Mr. and Mrs. X... will sound strange for a
while. And it might take a few months - or even that whole first year -
to get used to being married. Being someone's husband or wife is
different from being a boyfriend or girlfriend. This is for life. This
is for better or worse. There's no out now. When you fight, you can't
automatically think about leaving. Your lives have been legally
intertwined. You can't just stop calling to break up. You have to try
harder and you have to work more and you have to nurture the
relationship, so that it keeps growing. Beyond your new title, you have
to get used to your new responsibilities. The fact is that you must
think of the other person now whenever you are making plans, from
ordering take-out to investing your savings.
Getting a wedding ring and taking vows is just the first step. You're
not automatically going to understand your role after that. You will
grow into the job as time goes by.
Sex won't be as bad as you think.
You
might have heard that marriage is where sex goes to die. But that's not
at all true. In fact, most studies have shown that married people have more and better sex
than single people. Duh! You have a built-in sex partner. No need to go
to a bar to pick up someone. You can just roll over in bed. Yes, over
the course of your marriage, you will have more and better sex than your
single friends. However, you must realize that no one can sustain the
levels of passion that they might have had at the start of their
relationship when everything was fresh and new. And real life gets in
the way of sex. You will have nights when you're too tired for sex or
you would both rather watch your favorite TV show. That's all right. In
fact, that's part of the comfort of marriage. The key is to give up the
TV show once in a while for a roll in the hay. When you do, make it good, really good. Truly focus on each other and make sure you're both satisfied, and enjoy.
In-laws will get on your nerves.
I
know. I know. You have a great relationship with your in-laws. Your
besties. That's fine and well. But the day will come (it probably
already has) that they will say or do something that annoys you. It
might be something small that you can overlook, but it will happen. It's
a normal part of life and family. If the in-laws are doing things that
you cannot overlook, such as dictating decisions for the two of you or
coming over all the time or being just plain mean, then you have to
speak up. The first step should always be to talk to your spouse about
his or her family. Then, have him or her talk to them on your behalf.
Your spouse, after all, has a closer relationship with them and they
won't feel as attacked by him or her. Remember, that you and your spouse
are your own family now. Try not to get to worked up by the extended
family outside your circle of two. By the way, your in-laws might find
you annoying, too. Don't be surprised to hear that from your spouse. Try
not to take it personally. Look at yourself objectively and determine
if they have a point. Then, try to make changes to improve the
relationship if you can. It's always better to get along with your spouse's family, so try to make the relationship work.
You will have your moments.
Throughout your marriage, but especially at the beginning, you might find yourself questioning your decision to marry.
You might even mourn your single life a bit. There are pros and cons to
every stage of life, and you might miss something as small as sleeping
in a bed by yourself once in a while. Then, your spouse might do something upsetting
like telling his friends about your sex life or leaving the wet towels
on the bathroom floor for the millionth time. You'll find yourself
longing for the single life and regretting this marriage. It's all
right. This doesn't mean that you're headed for divorce. It just means
that you're human. Most people second guess the decisions at some point.
It's how you deal with the doubts that matter. When you start to regret
your decision, try to remember all the reasons you wanted to marry this
person. Think about the loving gestures and the things you would miss
if the marriage were to end. You'll probably find yourself forgetting
about those doubts in no time at all.
By Francesca Di Meglio
Newlyweds Expert
