A Good Question
Boomers enjoy the highest divorce rate of any demographic, which begs the question whether or not they’ll ever find lasting love.
Does this ranking simply reflect aging couples growing apart, or does
it point to a flaw in boomer character? No matter, because in either
case divorcing boomers will need some help if they hope to avoid further
disasters.
Who's On First?
A boomer has to date to find lasting love,
but even that’s problematic according to a hefty number of Huff/Post 50
readers. Apparently there’s a manners gap between how boomer men and
women approach dating, which may partly explain the relatively small
number of divorced boomers remarrying. But assuming two boomers meet,
fall in love, and want to create lasting love, both will need at least
minimal emotional dialogue skills. Simply put, this means the ability to
distinguish between thoughts and feelings and articulate the
differences effectively. Absent this skill every disagreement becomes an
unresolved circular argument until the partners finally give up,
blaming incompatibility for the failure.
Perhaps, but without the requisite relationship tools it wasn’t an informed attempt.
Love Isn’t Easy
It’s rare for a boomer to find lasting love after just dating a few people.
And even after finding a partner, a lasting, loving relationship may
feel like a double-edged sword. Sure you’re thrilled to have found love,
but you realize that sweet feeling is only the beginning of creating a
long-term relationship.
It was the number of failed relationships
that put fear in my heart and kept it there regardless of whether my
partner was loving and sweet with me, because my fear wasn’t related to
her behavior. My struggle was and still is confronting old demons
connected to relationship failures. When I met Sarah I decided to go all
in and take a long-term approach to our relationship, which meant being
vulnerable, openhearted, and emotionally honest. This took all the
courage I could muster. Keeping it clean, talking through our feelings,
is how we avoid built up resentment.
Seniors Should Go For It
Sarah’s
failed relationship history makes up the other half of the fear we
confront. We’re both clear about our failed relationship issues, which
enables us to recognize them quickly and avoid prolonged arguments. Our friendship skills,
emotional vocabularies, and unconditional trust in each other allow us
to work through issues before they become bigger problems. In part,
we’ve created lasting love by sharing our fears openly with each other
and working through them like best friends.
Fear Is Powerful
When
our relationship, fears come up we remind each other that fear doesn’t
ruin relationships, but ignoring it will. Still, when Sarah and I talk
about our past relationship failures we sometimes wonder out loud, “Will
this time different”? That anxiety triggers the strong emotional intimacy we’ve developed, and it’s that deepened intimacy that gets us through the rough patches.
But
we also share our fears to determine if they’re grounded in any
reality. The typical question for serial relationship boomers is whether
their feelings of love in a new relationship are authentic or related
to the fear of being alone again. Unfortunately, the number of couples
capable of talking through their feelings isn’t as typical as the
question.
Relationship Advice
Some boomers balk at the wisdom of sorting through their feelings together.
They worry that making emotional waves in a relationship might damage
sexual intimacy. Based on my experience, and the experiences of a
significant number of my readers, the opposite is true. Relationships
can’t achieve lasting love unless this conversation is embraced. Sexual
intimacy is actually enhanced when partners share their feelings with
each other regularly. I admit it’s a leap of faith sometimes, but we
know that we won’t be able to respond to each other appropriately if we
don’t.
Visit www.kensolin.com for boomer dating articles, blogs, videos, and information about Ken’s new book, The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online.
