"What is love?" is the most Googled question ever. Love
is essential to our well-being and often makes life worth living. Most
of us would have a different definition if asked to define love. Few
researchers have put forth a viable theory on the concept of love. The
triangular theory of love was developed by psychologist Dr. Robert
Sternberg in the late 1980's and has sustained popularity. His theory
suggests that people can have varying degrees of intimacy, passion, and commitment at any one moment in time.
The first component of love, intimacy, involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. The second component, passion,
involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction,
romance, and sexual consummation. Finally, the third component, commitment,
include feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move
toward shared goals. Finding a balance between needs for sex and needs
for love is essential.
The three components in Dr. Sternberg’s theory interact in a systemic manner, “pinging” off of each other.
From this, seven kinds of love experiences may
occur. "Types" of love may vary over the course of a relationship as
well. The types of love represented within the triangle are the
following: infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love,
fatuous love, and finally (the most ideal type), consummate love.
Infatuation
is characterized by lust and passion. There has not been enough time
for a deeper sense of intimacy, romantic love or consummate love in the
beginning of the relationship. The other forms of love may eventually
develop after the infatuation phase eases up. The initial infatuation
was and often is so powerful that people can "carry a torch" for one
another, not completely knowing if they have what it takes for a
sustaining, deeper and lasting love.
Empty love is
characterized by commitment but without passion or intimacy. At times, a
strong love deteriorates into empty love. The reverse may occur as
well. For instance, an arranged marriage may start out empty but
flourish into another form of love over time.
Romantic love
bonds people emotionally through intimacy and physical passion.
Partners in this type of relationship have deep conversations that help
them know intimate details about each other. They enjoy a sexual passion
and affection. These couples may be at the point where long term
commitment or future plans are still undecided.
Companionate love
is an intimate, but non-passionate sort of love. It is stronger than
friendship because there is long term commitment. There is minimal or no
sexual desire. This is often found in marriages where the passion has
died, but the couple continues to have deep affection or a strong bond
together. This may also be viewed as the love between very close friends
and family members.
Fatuous love is typified by a
whirlwind courtship and marriage in which passion motivates a commitment
without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. We hear a lot about this
amongst celebrities (e.g., Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney
or Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett). We may even know of people who have
done this in our own circles, making us scratch our head wondering how
they could marry so impulsively. Unfortunately, such marriages often
don't work out and when they do, we chalk it up to "luck."
Consummate love
is the total form of love and represents an ideal relationship. This is
the sort of love that we associate with "perfect couples." These
couples have great sex several years into their relationship. They
cannot imagine themselves with anyone else. They also cannot see
themselves truly happy without their partners. They manage to overcome
differences and stressors faced together. According to Dr. Sternberg,
however, consummate love may be harder to maintain than it is to
achieve, as the components of love must be put into action. We have
heard that "love is a verb" and this is what Dr. Sternberg means.
Without behavior and expression, passion is lost and love may revert
back to the companionate type instead.
Dr. Sternberg’s theory
of love is one among many, albeit it is one of the more popular and
quoted defining frameworks. Whatever love is or might be, people
recognize the value in both loving and being loved, and realize that
life is much better with it than without.
Source: Sternberg, R. J. (1986) A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.
