While at coffee together, a new friend asked me some questions about
her dating relationship. They met about six months prior, both recently
out of very long term relationships, they spent a lot of their time
together, referred to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend. When I
suggested that perhaps this was a relationship of convenience, for both
of them, the woman asked, "Well, how do I know he's The One?"
As I get this question a lot from my workshops, singles events, clients and friends, I'll share here what I shared with her. First off, though, let's talk about the concept of The One.
The Only One, Is You
There
is only one relationship in your life that will last forever, and
that's the one with yourself. Think about it, let it settle in, and
recognize the truth in this statement. It's only you. Everyone, eventually, will leave for some reason or another.
If
we look at relationships from this standpoint, we have to then come to
the conclusion that there can't be just One Guy That Makes Us Happy.
Really, there can just be you that makes you
happy -- because if you're seeking happiness outside yourself, it'll go
away when they do. Your happiness
tied to another person's actions, beliefs, or behaviors? That sounds
like a powerless, kind of scary place to me. (I should note that there's
zero judgement in this statement - I was there myself not that long
ago).
If I'm The One, Then What?
So if we're the only
Ones that can make ourselves happy, it changes things a bit, doesn't it?
It requires a bit of time to shift this belief -- take a peek at How To Love Yourself if you're needing a bit of support along these lines.
The
most logical thought though, once you've settled into this concept, is
that there are many, many Ones out there. By taking responsibility for
your own happiness, and refusing to give that power to anyone else, you
open up the possibility that there's many folks out there that you can
partner with long term.
Yes, But...
This is where my
friend got stuck, and where many of my clients do, too. This is where
the fears start cropping up. The "reasons" appear as to why this isn't
possible, why you can't, haven't, might not find anyone better. "I went
on X number of dates, and he was the first normal one!" exclaimed my
friend. "There aren't any good men left in city Y," said another. "I'm
too old, too fat, too this or that," say pretty much everyone else.
This,
my dear readers, is fear. Fear that you won't get what you want, that
you can't have your dreams come true, that you have to live in
"reality", and your reality sucks somehow. But wait a minute... aren't
we responsible for our own happiness?
Love Yourself, First
That's
right, I'm suggesting you now actually go back to that article I
suggested earlier, and learn to love yourself. When you do, and really,
truly take the time to work through your "stuff", you'll find that these
kinds of fears dissolve almost effortlessly once you shine a light on
them. The thing is, most of us are too scared to shine that light for
what we might find.
My friend shared, "Well my ex left me for a
25-year-old stripper!" and I replied, "That's awesome!" She was stunned,
and couldn't understand how or why I'd see this as a good thing. Let me
explain.
The friend, whom I'll call Janice for ease, had
convinced herself that this stripper was a horrible person, and her ex
an even worse one. Yet when we love ourselves and take responsibility
for our own happiness, we choose to see how these situations benefit us
instead. So my thought process, which I shared out loud, was, "It's
awesome because now you never have to deal with your ex's crap any more!
Woohoo! Thank you, stripper, thank you so much for taking him off my
hands, and ensuring I never have to question his fidelity again. Now,
he'll be constantly questioning hers!"
When I finished, Janice
started laughing. She got it, and there was little other than relief.
She felt better. She chose a better feeling thought, and she took
responsibility for her own happiness. Like I said to her, "This is all
still true, we just told a different story that makes us feel happy".
She agreed.
What About The One?
You might think I've gotten off track here, but trust me, we're going exactly where we need to be. When we look at ourselves as worthy of love, and powerful creators of our own happiness,
our relationships change. They have to. Not only that, we start to see
our partners differently. When we're not looking for someone else to
fill our needs, prove we're worthy, or show the world just how much
someone else loves us, whom we attract and are attracted to, changes.
As
an example, I'll use Janice again. We didn't have this conversation
(she wasn't ready for it), but this is what I would have said to her,
had she been wiling to try and love herself completely.
"So, this
guy that you're wondering if he's The One or not. How does he make
himself happy? Does he know what that looks like? Does he do it often?
Or does he just look to you, look to sex, look to your reationship, to
define himself?" (If she was honest, she'd see quite clearly that this
man was just as lost as her, and had no clue who he was or what he
wanted without a partner to tell him. This is a good thing!)
"How about you? Are you happy whether this guy is around or not? Do you know if you want the same things, or are you too scared to ask?"
I did say this last part, and it came out quickly that she wants kids
within the next few years, while he's not in a position in his life to
start a family in the near future. Ah.. okay. We found the fear again.
When
we love ourselves, we recognize that these kinds of situations have
nothing to do with us, therefore there's nothing to fear. We just know,
"Oh, that's cool. He's not ready, and I am. He's still amazing, he's
just a better match for someone else." When we take the time to love
ourselves, we know with every certainity that we'll find what we want,
of course we deserve it, and if we stick around in someone's life that
doesn't want the same thing, well, we're only hurting ourselves.
So,
to me, Janice's boyfriend isn't The One. He's one of her Ones, because
he's shown her - should she choose to see it this way - a new path, a
way to her own happiness, and a method to ensure she honors herself,
first. He's just likely not the guy she'll marry or have kids with.
Still struggling with this concept of The One, or whether your guy is The Guy For You? Take a peek at my love coaching packages for more, individualized support and guidance, or just to say hi.
By Bonny Albo
Dating Expert
