By Diana Bruk, Best Life
According a survey of infidelity conducted last year, of the respondents who admitted to having an affair, 68 percent of men and 39 percent of women said that their spouses never actually found out. If those findings apply to the larger population, it only means one thing: There’s a whole lot of cheaters out there who are getting away with it all the time. And for the record: Of those who did get busted by their spouses cheating, 21 percent found out via text messages or emails and 29 percent said someone else told them, while a much larger 36 percent said the offending spouse simply confessed.
So, if you’re worried that your spouse is conducting an affair behind your back—and obviously hasn’t told you about it—it could be because your antennae has either consciously or subconsciously picked up some of these clues your spouse is having an affair hiding in plain sight. So read on to discover what they are.
All of Their Devices Suddenly Have New Passwords
Changes in behavior are the first big clue that infidelity may be happening. If your spouse has always been a very private person, then the fact that they don’t want to share their passwords with you isn’t necessarily an indication of anything suspect. But if they used to be an open book and suddenly it’s harder to break into their iPhone than Fort Knox, that’s a red flag.
Your Toiletries Are Feeling a Bit Emptier
Generally speaking, women tend to be better at getting away with cheating than men, thanks to attention to detail. A man might not necessarily notice that his Dove For Men body wash has been used, but a woman will definitely get a sense that something is amiss if her $40 shampoo is feeling a bit lighter than the last time she used it, or if the cap to her night cream has been unscrewed. It could mean that someone else is helping herself to it.
Their Closet Is Looking a Little Fuller All of a Sudden
“If your partner previously cared little about her appearance but has made big changes out of the blue—like buying new clothes or wearing makeup more often—it could indicate an effort to impress another person,” Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating coach, told Best Life. Same goes for husbands who feel a sudden urge to dress better and beef up their arms.
They’re Suddenly on the Road a Lot
If your partner has always had a job that included a lot of travel, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being unfaithful. But the sad reality is that being away from home simply does offer more opportunities for infidelity. IF they seem to be heading to the airport even more than usual without a good reason, your suspicions could be well-warranted.
The Same Mysterious Phone Number Keeps Cropping Up on Their Bills
When it comes to catching your partner in the act, your monthly bill for their cellphone can be your new best friend. If you dig it up and see the same unknown number appear several times, especially during times when you know they weren’t around you, that’s a huge red flag.
They Keep Getting Phone Calls from an “Unknown” Number
A slightly more sneaky cheater might ask their partner in crime to hide their caller ID (which is surprisingly easy to do), so they can get calls from them and write them off as spam. The good news is that if you manage to get your hands on their cellphone when it’s unlocked, you can use an app called TrapCall to reveal the identity of private callers.
They Hang on to Their Phones All the Time
“It’s not difficult to imagine that cell phones harbor wealth of information, including texts, videos, and e-mails,” sex therapist Dr. Damian Sendler told Best Life. “Hiding a cell phone or taking it to the bathroom or even on the shortest trip to take out the trash is a red flag. It means that the partner doesn’t want us to see something.”
They Start to Say “I” A Lot
One of the hallmarks of a happy relationship is that couples use the word “we” a lot, because they see themselves as a team for life. So if you notice your other half answering questions with “I” more than usual, especially in regards to the future, it might be an indicator that they’re considering bailing. “They might start saying things like, ‘I sure hope to go to Bali someday,’ [or] ‘I would love to buy a house in Spain’—that sort of thing,” relationship expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula told Best Life.
They Suddenly Delete a Lot of Your Photos Together on Social Media
Most people don’t put up a relationship status on Facebook anymore, because it’s so 2009. But it’s still fairly easy to tell when someone is married, so if they remove photos that make it clear they have a partner or erase all of their social media entirely, that’s not a good sign.
They Talk About the Same Person a Lot
If you get jealous because your spouse seems to bring up a certain “friend,” over and over again, they’re liable to say you’re just being crazy and paranoid. But the truth is that, for many spouses who have been cheated on, this was a clue that was hiding in plain sight.
“One day, [my husband] brought home news of a new hire, a young engineer newly out of college,” one victim of infidelity wrote on Quora. “I began to ask the usual questions, single or married, from where do they hail, etc. When he described her, I was well aware that she was not just an addition to the team to him. He really liked her. That became even more evident as time went on. I tired of hearing about her, his taking her under his wing and lunches and customer calls they shared.”
They Accuse You of Being Unfaithful
It seems counterintuitive, but people who cheat will often accuse their partner of cheating as a way of projecting their own guilt onto them. “These accusations are often a sign of self-guilt, and it also will put the blame on you, causing you to be on the defense and distracted from their actions,” Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expert, told Best Life. “It’s quite manipulative… because they get so upset during the conversation, you start to think they hate cheating and would never do it to you, when in reality they might have [done it] already.”
They’re Always Trying to Pick a Fight
Does your spouse seem more irritable lately, or yell at you for things that are pretty minor or even unreasonable? They may just be trying to offset their own feelings of guilt by making you out to appear like the one causing problems. “Often someone who is cheating is feeling a lot of guilt,” Ricciardi said. “Your partner can easily take out this shame on you by making you feel bad about yourself.”
They Give You Outlandish Stories About Their Day
If you ask your spouse where they’ve been all day and they seem shifty and say, “Just out,” that tends to send off alarm bells. But the truth is that providing a lengthy description of their whereabouts can also signal that they’ve rehearsed a story and are trying to include as many details as possible to make it believable.
“When stories seem inconsistent in recapitulating events of the day, that’s a red flag. For example, someone says they were able to buy something for us in a town nearby, even though you know they wouldn’t have the time to be there, that’s a sign something might be on the horizon. Another red flag is when the person seems very excited (too excited) to share some information with us, especially when we didn’t ask them to justify where they’ve been,” Sendler said.
You’re Suddenly Getting a Lot of Gifts
According to relationship expert Charlotte Rivers, “it’s commonly known that gift-giving is a way to butter someone up when you’re feeling guilty about something, So what could [they] be guilty of? Most likely: cheating.”
They Bring Up an Issue from Way in the Past
Another common way of offsetting guilt is to suddenly bring up something you did that caused a fight a long time ago and hasn’t come up since it was resolved. This is basically the adulterer’s way of trying to tell themselves, “See, I’m not a bad person. My spouse has done bad things too.”
You Have a Gut Feeling
When you suspect your spouse of cheating, it’s natural to think that maybe you’re just being insecure. But there’s a scientific basis for intuition, so if you’ve got a lingering and unshakeable sense that something in your marriage is off, chances are you’re right.
Have You Checked the Trash?
It sounds silly, but most people are too absent-minded to remember to throw out any evidence of infidelity before they get back to the house. And if you’re spouse told you they’re playing poker with the boys and you open the lid of the trashcan to find two ticket stubs to a movie lying on top, that’s a pretty big clue. If I suspected my spouse of cheating, the first thing I would do is rifle through the trash like a hungry raccoon. It may not feel very glamorous, but it’s better to know than live with the uncertainty.
