By Helaina Hovitz, TeenVogue
Breaking up isn’t just for romantic relationships. Sometimes you have to make the difficult decision to split ways with friends — regardless of whether they’re old or new ones — if they’re toxic. Toxic people can be found everywhere — hiding in families, couples, friendships, and companies. Licensed clinical social work supervisor and self-published author Shannon Thomas, LCSW, has written about the different kinds of toxic friends we may encounter throughout our lives and how to spot them.
Breaking up isn’t just for romantic relationships. Sometimes you have to make the difficult decision to split ways with friends — regardless of whether they’re old or new ones — if they’re toxic. Toxic people can be found everywhere — hiding in families, couples, friendships, and companies. Licensed clinical social work supervisor and self-published author Shannon Thomas, LCSW, has written about the different kinds of toxic friends we may encounter throughout our lives and how to spot them.
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It’s important to remember, though, that oftentimes, when someone is coming from a place that feels nasty or hurtful, they’re in some sort of emotional pain or confusion themselves. In addition to identifying the behaviors of the “toxic friend,” Thomas offers some insight as to why they may be doing the things they do and how to best handle it, whether you want to keep the friendship or not.
It’s important to remember, though, that oftentimes, when someone is coming from a place that feels nasty or hurtful, they’re in some sort of emotional pain or confusion themselves. In addition to identifying the behaviors of the “toxic friend,” Thomas offers some insight as to why they may be doing the things they do and how to best handle it, whether you want to keep the friendship or not.
The Accusing Friend
Essentially,
the accusing friend doesn't want to get to know the real you and, most
likely due to their own insecurities, has probably created an image of
you in their mind that causes them to act rudely or shady toward you.
“It is as if they are in a chronic argument with someone completely different than you but their words are directed your way. These behaviors create confusion and hurt feelings,” says Thomas. “She may be feeling exposed or vulnerable in some way and is trying to decide who is a friend or enemy. In this confusion, she has incorrectly labeled you as someone who doesn't really care about her so she makes accusations that are hurtful.”
[post_ads]This friend, while constantly causing drama between the two of you and who knows how many others, is most likely feeling like she needs to create problems that she has control over and then solve them to feel “safe.” In an attempt to figure out who she can trust, she ends up pushing people away.
For example: They might accuse you of flirting with their significant other behind their back. The accusing friend could become quickly defensive toward you about something small but then say they expected you to be the angry one.
So what to do if one of your besties fits the bill?
“Get some time just the two of you and tell her that you want to be friends, that you value her in your life, and that your intentions for her are good,” says Thomas. “Tell her that she doesn't need to be suspicious of you and that you want good things for her life. Hopefully, she will hear you and recognize that you're a friend she can let her guard down with and trust.”
Also, if you want to set the record straight, feel free to do so.
“If the accusing friend makes a rude accusation, as calmly as possible, reply that your character is different than their words are showing. Resist being permanently labeled incorrectly,” says Thomas. “This can get exhausting and [is] why many choose to distance themselves from the accusing type of friend.”
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“It is as if they are in a chronic argument with someone completely different than you but their words are directed your way. These behaviors create confusion and hurt feelings,” says Thomas. “She may be feeling exposed or vulnerable in some way and is trying to decide who is a friend or enemy. In this confusion, she has incorrectly labeled you as someone who doesn't really care about her so she makes accusations that are hurtful.”
[post_ads]This friend, while constantly causing drama between the two of you and who knows how many others, is most likely feeling like she needs to create problems that she has control over and then solve them to feel “safe.” In an attempt to figure out who she can trust, she ends up pushing people away.
For example: They might accuse you of flirting with their significant other behind their back. The accusing friend could become quickly defensive toward you about something small but then say they expected you to be the angry one.
So what to do if one of your besties fits the bill?
“Get some time just the two of you and tell her that you want to be friends, that you value her in your life, and that your intentions for her are good,” says Thomas. “Tell her that she doesn't need to be suspicious of you and that you want good things for her life. Hopefully, she will hear you and recognize that you're a friend she can let her guard down with and trust.”
Also, if you want to set the record straight, feel free to do so.
“If the accusing friend makes a rude accusation, as calmly as possible, reply that your character is different than their words are showing. Resist being permanently labeled incorrectly,” says Thomas. “This can get exhausting and [is] why many choose to distance themselves from the accusing type of friend.”
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The Bitter Friend
A
bitter friend may once have been a great ally and confidante, but
somewhere along the friendship path, jealousy set into the heart of the
now-bitter friend, says Thomas. Essentially, it’s like a poison entered
into the friendship, either gradually or after a certain event, but
encountering a bitter friend can be an immensely sad experience because
as parts of your life have taken off, you can sense this friend has
faded backward into the distance.
“You will know that a bitter friend is among you because this person cannot, and will not, authentically celebrate your life alongside you. Your emails, texts, or phone calls of sharing exciting news are completely ignored,” says Thomas. “The bitter friend stubbornly refuses to congratulate you on your achievement. They might clearly pick away at your success by being critical or trying to make what you have done sound ordinary.”
First things first: Try to empathize with them, as tough as it may be. Love is a much better approach than anger or meeting ice grills with more ice, especially if this friend was once important to you.
[post_ads]Thomas suggests, in your words and actions, showing this bitter friend that they are still valuable to you and have not been replaced by whatever is making them jealous. Make room for them in your life and let them know it is their choice to walk away or stay and celebrate with you.
“Go ahead and ask her if something is going on for her that is making her feel resentful or turned off to you. She might open up and be honest about her feelings,” she suggests. “This is the perfect moment to actively listen to what she is saying, repeat back in your own words what you heard from [her], and ask your friend how you can be supportive to her. When a now-bitter friend feels your support, they can often quickly morph back into the supportive friend you had before.
“You can hope the bitterness in this friend dissipates, but the sad truth is that success will show who your true friends are and who can be excited as you reach new life milestones,” Thomas says.
“You will know that a bitter friend is among you because this person cannot, and will not, authentically celebrate your life alongside you. Your emails, texts, or phone calls of sharing exciting news are completely ignored,” says Thomas. “The bitter friend stubbornly refuses to congratulate you on your achievement. They might clearly pick away at your success by being critical or trying to make what you have done sound ordinary.”
First things first: Try to empathize with them, as tough as it may be. Love is a much better approach than anger or meeting ice grills with more ice, especially if this friend was once important to you.
[post_ads]Thomas suggests, in your words and actions, showing this bitter friend that they are still valuable to you and have not been replaced by whatever is making them jealous. Make room for them in your life and let them know it is their choice to walk away or stay and celebrate with you.
“Go ahead and ask her if something is going on for her that is making her feel resentful or turned off to you. She might open up and be honest about her feelings,” she suggests. “This is the perfect moment to actively listen to what she is saying, repeat back in your own words what you heard from [her], and ask your friend how you can be supportive to her. When a now-bitter friend feels your support, they can often quickly morph back into the supportive friend you had before.
“You can hope the bitterness in this friend dissipates, but the sad truth is that success will show who your true friends are and who can be excited as you reach new life milestones,” Thomas says.
The Calculating Friend
This
friend is the most troublesome of the three, almost the perfect storm
of accusing and bitter. She’s the mean girl in the movie who literally
plots to destroy.
The calculating friend, Thomas says, does not want you to be happy, successful, or better than them in any way. They have no trouble targeting you and being laser-focused on trying to break down parts of your life. The calculating friend is no friend at all — but comes dressed like one.
Since this is pretty much the stuff of nightmares, we thought you might want to know about the red flags that she carries under her “friend” costume: This friend is always collecting information about people that can be used later as a tool of embarrassment against them. Maybe you felt safe sharing intimate details with them, then watched as they unleashed those tidbits at a time that felt right for them. On top of that, they’ll always come prepared with a “good reason” that they broke your trust.
“They may even be manipulative enough to turn the whole thing around and you come out as the one to blame,” says Thomas. “Calculating friends do not authentically care how much damage they cause you.”
[post_ads]But why did she single you out in the first place? To ruin your life? Well, this person is usually first drawn to someone's strengths. She may have felt that you made her look good in some way or were nice to her when other people may not have been. We often think the calculating friend targeted us because of our weaknesses, but Thomas says research on certain personality types tells us that calculating friends want something you have and will get close to you to enjoy your life or try and steal some of it for themselves.
The calculating friend knows what they are doing, and sometimes it is a game to them. You may even be able to see the pattern of people they have already hurt. You are most likely not their first target.
Folks, you’ve gotta get away from this person, and fast. Guard your personal information at all costs. Be very careful of other friends who do not see the calculating friend the same way you do. Well-meaning people can feed information about you to a calculating friend and the damage to you is just as intense. Protect details of your history, current life, and future plans.
When, not if, the calculating friend comes sniffing around for new information about you or to be sugary-sweet so you let your guard down, never forget what you've already experienced with this person. Reminding yourself of the truth will keep you from making the same mistake with a calculating friend.
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In order to avoid the wrath of a toxic friend scorned, try this approach: Back away slowly. Start by not replying as quickly to texts and social media posts.
“Start a new hobby so your time is more occupied with other things besides the friend you want to distance yourself [from]. The gentle pull away will also help you to replace the space in your life that this friend used to take up,” she says. “Boundaries don't have to be forceful. Sometimes the best boundaries are the ones we never speak [of] but create through our behaviors.”
All friendships ebb and flow over time, and we can feel really close and then distant and back to close again. When it comes to the friends you do have in your life, Thomas says your friendship should be given only to people you've come to know slowly and over time.
“Friendships that happen fast are often places where hurt feelings happen. Keeping a busy life focused on different activities you enjoy will help to slow down new friendships enough to see if the other person has the character traits you want in your life.”
More from Teen Vogue
The calculating friend, Thomas says, does not want you to be happy, successful, or better than them in any way. They have no trouble targeting you and being laser-focused on trying to break down parts of your life. The calculating friend is no friend at all — but comes dressed like one.
Since this is pretty much the stuff of nightmares, we thought you might want to know about the red flags that she carries under her “friend” costume: This friend is always collecting information about people that can be used later as a tool of embarrassment against them. Maybe you felt safe sharing intimate details with them, then watched as they unleashed those tidbits at a time that felt right for them. On top of that, they’ll always come prepared with a “good reason” that they broke your trust.
“They may even be manipulative enough to turn the whole thing around and you come out as the one to blame,” says Thomas. “Calculating friends do not authentically care how much damage they cause you.”
[post_ads]But why did she single you out in the first place? To ruin your life? Well, this person is usually first drawn to someone's strengths. She may have felt that you made her look good in some way or were nice to her when other people may not have been. We often think the calculating friend targeted us because of our weaknesses, but Thomas says research on certain personality types tells us that calculating friends want something you have and will get close to you to enjoy your life or try and steal some of it for themselves.
The calculating friend knows what they are doing, and sometimes it is a game to them. You may even be able to see the pattern of people they have already hurt. You are most likely not their first target.
Folks, you’ve gotta get away from this person, and fast. Guard your personal information at all costs. Be very careful of other friends who do not see the calculating friend the same way you do. Well-meaning people can feed information about you to a calculating friend and the damage to you is just as intense. Protect details of your history, current life, and future plans.
When, not if, the calculating friend comes sniffing around for new information about you or to be sugary-sweet so you let your guard down, never forget what you've already experienced with this person. Reminding yourself of the truth will keep you from making the same mistake with a calculating friend.
[post_ads_2]
In order to avoid the wrath of a toxic friend scorned, try this approach: Back away slowly. Start by not replying as quickly to texts and social media posts.
“Start a new hobby so your time is more occupied with other things besides the friend you want to distance yourself [from]. The gentle pull away will also help you to replace the space in your life that this friend used to take up,” she says. “Boundaries don't have to be forceful. Sometimes the best boundaries are the ones we never speak [of] but create through our behaviors.”
All friendships ebb and flow over time, and we can feel really close and then distant and back to close again. When it comes to the friends you do have in your life, Thomas says your friendship should be given only to people you've come to know slowly and over time.
“Friendships that happen fast are often places where hurt feelings happen. Keeping a busy life focused on different activities you enjoy will help to slow down new friendships enough to see if the other person has the character traits you want in your life.”
