By Bonny Albo
Dating Expert, about.com
Nerissa asks, "I've been dating my boyfriend for the past year. He's
ready to have sex, but I'm not. How can I tell him I'm not ready yet
without losing our relationship?"
First off, let's discuss where
your relationship is at. I'm assuming it's serious just by the length of
time you've dated, but the length of time doesn't equal serious,
either. In Am I Ready for a Serious Relationship? I detail the kinds of things you and your partner need to share before taking the next step.
I'd
think that, even more so, you want to ensure all of these things are
checked off before you engage in a sexually intimate relationship. One
of the most important in this case? Emotional intimacy before physical
intimacy, as well as trusting that, no matter what you say to one
another, it's respected and appreciated without any damage to your
relationship.
Hopefully, you see where I'm going, but if not, the
crucial question you have to ask yourself is this: if you don't feel
comfortable sharing your personal and sexual boundaries with your
boyfriend, should you be in a relationship, serious or otherwise?
I understand completely the fear that he might not like you're
not ready to have sex yet. I think anyone, no matter what their
situation or age would get fearful with the possibility of this kind of
intimate rejection.
Still, what's more important to you: keeping
your boundaries and values clear and intact, or making your boyfriend
happy? Of course, you want him happy to date you, but you also shouldn't
change your needs or wants based on what you think he might feel.
Instead,
have a conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him clearly that what
you're willing and/or able to do, and what you're not comfortable with.
As well, even though it's extremely difficult, watch his reaction. Is he
relieved? Happy? Upset? Angry? Frustrated? Does he let you finish what
you need to say? Does he say he agrees with you, but then tries to move
things further anyway?
His reaction, hopefully, will mirror his words.
Unfortunately, that's not always the case, and thus why I suggest you
watch his reaction closely. Focus later on how you feel, and instead,
see how it impacts him.
What if he says, "You would if you loved
me," or another comment that makes you feel bad for your decision? For
me, that would spell the end of any relationship, but it's a hard stance
to take for some women, especially when we're younger. If your
boyfriend pressures you in any way, tell him, "If you loved me, you wouldn't pressure me into doing something I'm not ready for yet."
There
is the chance he'll end the relationship after sharing you're not ready
to have sex yet. If this happens, it'll definitely hurt. Having said
that, wouldn't you want to know now that your partnership is based
solely on the promise of a sexually intimate relationship?
Sure,
attraction is necessary and definitely important in any romance, but at
the same time, feeling respected and honored holds infinitely more
weight. It might hurt in the short-term, but in the long term, you'll
keep your self-esteem intact.
