So you and your boyfriend have been together for two, three, four
years, or more – and the relationship couldn't be sweeter. But for some
reason, your storybook romance seems to have been stuck on the same
chapter for months on end. Although you've been looking out for all of the signs that he might pop the question, he seems less interested in making the "ultimate commitment" than John Mayer in a room full of hot lady celebs. What gives?
Below is everything you need to know about why your guy may be getting premature cold feet, from one dude's honest perspective:
Different Pages
The
most obvious possibility is also the most painful to consider: perhaps
you're simply not on the same page about the relationship. Sure, you get
along great, and everyone from your mother to Crazy Aunt Bertha thinks
he's the second coming of Ryan Gosling -- but maybe he's not as certain
about your future together as you are. Consider whether he's recently
seemed emotionally distant or even verbally hinted at feeling
unfulfilled to take a genuine temperature of the relationship overall.
A Fear of Commitment
Okay, now that I've
gotten you totally worried – don't be! If any case were to be most
likely, it'd be that your boyfriend is merely afraid of commitment in
general. That's because…we all are! Most dudes crack under the pressure
when it comes down to actually choosing a lifelong mate. The actor Jeff Bridges once said on Howard Stern's radio show that
he was afraid of getting married because "if death is the end of the
story, then marriage is a giant step in that direction. Fear of marriage
is the fear of death." Ouch! Well, if that's too much of a jump for
you, know that most men simply equate marriage with a loss of freedom,
and that alone can be pretty scary.
He's Got Work To Do
If
he's divorced, widowed, or emotionally scarred by a previous
relationship, chances are, he'll need some serious time to heal. Or
perhaps he's currently dealing with a personal issue (e.g. a financial
constraint; a family issue, etc.) that's taking up most of the emotional
real estate in his heart. Whatever the reason, a guy distracted by past
or present drama is going to take longer than other guys to work up the
courage to propose. And trust me – you don't want him doing so until he
truly is ready.
Succumbing to Outside Pressure
Another possibility is that his friends or his parents don't approve of your relationship.
Or, perhaps you get along with everyone in his life just great, but his
single (or unhappily married) buddies have brainwashed him to think
that marriage is nothing more than "the end of the road" for any
red-blooded male (as a married guy, I can promise any dudes reading
this: it ain't that bad!). If there's anyone in his life that you feel
might be influencing his opinion of you or the relationship, it might be time to (gently) confront those people head on, and get to the root of their negative opinions.
Keepin' It On the Down-Low
Hey, maybe you're lucky enough that he's just really, really good at keeping secrets? After all, my girlfriend had no clue I was about to propose when I did. If this might be the case, short of waiting it out, there's only one way to know for sure…
SOLUTION: Communicate!
Ultimately, no matter what his reasoning is for holding out on a marriage proposal, the most efficient (and truly, only)
way to get to the bottom of what he's really thinking is to talk to
him. As gently and open-mindedly as you can, lay out all of your
relationship expectations in the long and short term. Then be sure to
listen (carefully! Patiently!) to what he has to say. You might just
have to read between the lines. In the end, circumstantial excuses all
have an expiration date -- if he's leaning too heavily on external
factors, he's likely avoiding confrontation with the mental and
emotional hurdles that are truly holding him back.
By Ethan Fixell
Dating: A Man's Perspective Expert
