For the record, no one's boobs look good when magnified by ten and cropped to fill an entire profile picture. No matter how great your rack is.
I first heard about Tinder, the app known as Grindr for straight people, from a friend several months ago. I joined partly out of curiosity, and partly in hopes I'd easily meet a summer (or, let's be realistic — one-night) fling. But once on the app, which matches men and women based on geographic location and Facebook interests, I quickly discovered that a number of women on The Tinder could be a girl (the girl) I bring home to Mom. People on the app want to get laid, but many of them also want to get consistently laid by the same person. You know, have a relationship. Most of my female acquaintances on the app reported learning the same of the guys. And now, Tinder seems less like a hook-up app than the de facto tool for virtually vetting potential life partners (worry about your awkward "how we met" story later). I've learned a lot about best Tinder practices since joining. So if you're new to Tinder — or just having a hard time finding the man of your dreams there — try avoiding habits on my patented list of "Tinder don'ts." Stay away from the below, and you'll have lots of potential Mr. Rights swiping right (what you do when you like someone on Tinder) all over you.
1. Don't post selfies.
Everyone makes fun of selfies yet so many women still post them. Selfies suggest that you have no friends to take your picture and/or are self-involved enough to catalog self-portraits on your phone. Against my better judgment, I went out with a selfie-poster once. She not only fulfilled these selfie taker stereotypes, but also didn't even look like her, well, selfie.
2. Don't post photos of yourself as a kid.
Tinder's an online dating website where people find dates almost solely based on physical attractiveness. (Sure, maybe you wrote a few sentences about yourself, but basically no one reads those.) Posting your childhood photos sends a confusing message. Do you really want some guy who's into you because you looked cute as a kid? Look, we were all innocent before Tinder. You don't need the kiddie pics to verify it.
3. Don't only post group pictures.
Despite how fun it is to play detective across all your pictures and figure out who's the same in each one, it's so much easier to swipe left. Plus, guys automatically assume you're the least attractive one (and swipe left). At the least, only posting group shots suggests that you have serious confidence issues that prevent you from sharing a solo photo. So do us all a favor and use a solo-shot as your first picture.
4. No tit shots.
I can't believe how often I find women with photos of either a zoomed-in shot of their cleavage or photos that were obviously cropped to show only tits. As with group shots, if all you're showing me is your tits, I'm likely to assume that either the rest of the package is pretty poor or you have confidence issues. Also it's worth noting that everyone's tits look pretty horrible at 10x zoom.
5. Do not use "U" or "R" in your messages.
Is it really that hard to type out "you" or "are"? In the days of flip phone texting maybe butchering the English language to this extent was OK, but all of us Tinderers now have smartphone with full keyboards. The minute someone sends me "how r u?", I can't block them fast enough. If you're this lazy when you first introduce yourself, can I even rely on you to show up for our first date?
6. Don't suggest a meal as a first date.
Only suggest (and I'd also recommend, only accept invitations to) in-person activities that afford a quick and painless exit. I thought this strategy was well-known, but somewhere in the Tinder-verse it's gotten lost. After only exchanging a few random texts in an online dating app, I don't want to commit to any activity that I can't eject myself from in minutes if necessary. Stick to drinks or coffee for the first date so everyone can get out quickly if the proverbial house is on fire. Any Tinderers can pound a drink, throw cash on the table, and get right out if necessary.
7. Don't put RIPs in your taglines.
For example: "To Ronnie — 9/27/10. In my heart forever." I have a hard time understanding why so many women put a Debbie Downer in that tagline box when there are so many other ways express oneself to a large pool of potential future husbands. Random RIPs suggest to guys like me that you've got a serious issue to resolve, which is an awfully intimidating point of entry when looking to start a relationship. I've never swiped right on an RIP tagline.
8. Don't use terms of endearment in the first message.
Like, "Hey babe!" "Babe" is a word best used around straight men when you're familiar with them. Much more familiar than you can ever be with someone on Tinder. Swipe left.
9. Don't send a first message after 10 p.m. on a weekend unless you want to hook up.
If you're not trying to get back to Tinder's original carnal roots, keep the app shut down after 10 on the weekends. If I get a first message (or a response to a first message) after 10 p.m. on a weekend, I assume we're going to sleep together that night.
10. Don't worry about messaging guys back "too soon."
I first heard about Tinder, the app known as Grindr for straight people, from a friend several months ago. I joined partly out of curiosity, and partly in hopes I'd easily meet a summer (or, let's be realistic — one-night) fling. But once on the app, which matches men and women based on geographic location and Facebook interests, I quickly discovered that a number of women on The Tinder could be a girl (the girl) I bring home to Mom. People on the app want to get laid, but many of them also want to get consistently laid by the same person. You know, have a relationship. Most of my female acquaintances on the app reported learning the same of the guys. And now, Tinder seems less like a hook-up app than the de facto tool for virtually vetting potential life partners (worry about your awkward "how we met" story later). I've learned a lot about best Tinder practices since joining. So if you're new to Tinder — or just having a hard time finding the man of your dreams there — try avoiding habits on my patented list of "Tinder don'ts." Stay away from the below, and you'll have lots of potential Mr. Rights swiping right (what you do when you like someone on Tinder) all over you.
1. Don't post selfies.
Everyone makes fun of selfies yet so many women still post them. Selfies suggest that you have no friends to take your picture and/or are self-involved enough to catalog self-portraits on your phone. Against my better judgment, I went out with a selfie-poster once. She not only fulfilled these selfie taker stereotypes, but also didn't even look like her, well, selfie.
2. Don't post photos of yourself as a kid.
Tinder's an online dating website where people find dates almost solely based on physical attractiveness. (Sure, maybe you wrote a few sentences about yourself, but basically no one reads those.) Posting your childhood photos sends a confusing message. Do you really want some guy who's into you because you looked cute as a kid? Look, we were all innocent before Tinder. You don't need the kiddie pics to verify it.
3. Don't only post group pictures.
Despite how fun it is to play detective across all your pictures and figure out who's the same in each one, it's so much easier to swipe left. Plus, guys automatically assume you're the least attractive one (and swipe left). At the least, only posting group shots suggests that you have serious confidence issues that prevent you from sharing a solo photo. So do us all a favor and use a solo-shot as your first picture.
4. No tit shots.
I can't believe how often I find women with photos of either a zoomed-in shot of their cleavage or photos that were obviously cropped to show only tits. As with group shots, if all you're showing me is your tits, I'm likely to assume that either the rest of the package is pretty poor or you have confidence issues. Also it's worth noting that everyone's tits look pretty horrible at 10x zoom.
5. Do not use "U" or "R" in your messages.
Is it really that hard to type out "you" or "are"? In the days of flip phone texting maybe butchering the English language to this extent was OK, but all of us Tinderers now have smartphone with full keyboards. The minute someone sends me "how r u?", I can't block them fast enough. If you're this lazy when you first introduce yourself, can I even rely on you to show up for our first date?
6. Don't suggest a meal as a first date.
Only suggest (and I'd also recommend, only accept invitations to) in-person activities that afford a quick and painless exit. I thought this strategy was well-known, but somewhere in the Tinder-verse it's gotten lost. After only exchanging a few random texts in an online dating app, I don't want to commit to any activity that I can't eject myself from in minutes if necessary. Stick to drinks or coffee for the first date so everyone can get out quickly if the proverbial house is on fire. Any Tinderers can pound a drink, throw cash on the table, and get right out if necessary.
7. Don't put RIPs in your taglines.
For example: "To Ronnie — 9/27/10. In my heart forever." I have a hard time understanding why so many women put a Debbie Downer in that tagline box when there are so many other ways express oneself to a large pool of potential future husbands. Random RIPs suggest to guys like me that you've got a serious issue to resolve, which is an awfully intimidating point of entry when looking to start a relationship. I've never swiped right on an RIP tagline.
8. Don't use terms of endearment in the first message.
Like, "Hey babe!" "Babe" is a word best used around straight men when you're familiar with them. Much more familiar than you can ever be with someone on Tinder. Swipe left.
9. Don't send a first message after 10 p.m. on a weekend unless you want to hook up.
If you're not trying to get back to Tinder's original carnal roots, keep the app shut down after 10 on the weekends. If I get a first message (or a response to a first message) after 10 p.m. on a weekend, I assume we're going to sleep together that night.
10. Don't worry about messaging guys back "too soon."
Look, maybe some women still like to play the "make them wait" game. But it's a bad idea in this brave new Tinder world. Tinder is great because it provides hundreds of opportunities to meet people in a very short time. So by the time you've implemented your 24-hour — or two-hour — rule, I've Tindered with at least 24 other people who are just as superficially interesting as you.
11. Don't invite guys to your or someone else's home.
This happened to me once. I figured she just wanted to get straight to the hook-up, but I couldn't overcome the creep factor of showing up at a random address. If you really want to fast track to the banging, invite the guy to the bar downstairs, pound a drink or two, run your hand up his leg and lead him to your place upstairs. Tinder may offer a whole new and at times terrifyingly efficient and technologically savvy way to date, but some things never change.
BY David Fox
Photo: Flickr CC/Tinder
11. Don't invite guys to your or someone else's home.
This happened to me once. I figured she just wanted to get straight to the hook-up, but I couldn't overcome the creep factor of showing up at a random address. If you really want to fast track to the banging, invite the guy to the bar downstairs, pound a drink or two, run your hand up his leg and lead him to your place upstairs. Tinder may offer a whole new and at times terrifyingly efficient and technologically savvy way to date, but some things never change.
BY David Fox
Photo: Flickr CC/Tinder
