Is there a relationship breaking point? These people say yes — and share when they knew their marriage was over.
Fact: Even the most in-love couples have moments
when the prospect of divorce crosses their mind. "After a heated
argument, a betrayal, or even a rough patch, it's common for individuals
to wonder what would happen if they had never met and married their
spouse," says Rhonda Richards-Smith, LCSW, a Los Angeles-based relationship therapist. But when do those normal thoughts cross into the this is going to happen territory? We spoke to divorced couples about when they knew divorce was in their future.
[post_ads_2]What the Divorced Couples Say
"Every time I thought of the future, he wasn't in it."
"When
I was pregnant with our second child, I kept thinking ahead to what it
would be like parenting two children…and I kept seeing myself doing it
on my own. At that point, my husband's travel schedule had been insane,
so I had been doing the lion's share of the child-rearing myself. After a
lot of soul-searching, I realized that we just weren't on the same path
at all, and it would be easier for both of us to go our separate ways." —Beth*, 30
"I stopped sharing stuff with him."
"My
ex and I went through an incredibly rocky patch, but I think the moment
when it clicked that this wasn't going to work was when I had scored a
promotion I'd been working toward for almost a year. As soon as I heard
the news, my first instinct was to text my sister and best friend. I had
to remind myself to tell my husband. It really made it clear we were already living separate lives." —Jessica, 38
"My 10-year-old asked us to get divorced."
"One
time in the car, my 10-year-old asked me when mom and I were going to
get a divorce. At first, I tried to reassure her that it wouldn't
happen, but then when my wife and I talked about the conversation later,
we realized that all our daughter knew about us as a couple was tension
or fighting. It's not like we got divorced because she asked, but it
did make us evaluate what our so-called 'relationship' was doing to our
child." —Jeff, 38
[post_ads_2]"I wanted the best for him."
"This
sounds weird, but the moment I knew was the moment I stopped feeling
angry and jealous toward my now-ex. He and I had been having a ton of
disagreements for years, and I would always find any reason to criticize
him. But suddenly, it was like I'd lost all the anger and just saw him
as some guy who had nothing in common with me. At that point, I knew it was best for both of us to split." —Kate, 30
"I lied to my family."
"There
were about two years when I'd make it seem like everything was fine to
my family. I hated visiting them because I knew it would mean I'd have
to put on a happy face. It was so unlike me, and I knew in order to get
myself back, I needed to seriously evaluate my marriage." —Liz, 38
"I wanted to get caught cheating."
"I
began flirting with exes and doing really obvious things, like leaving
my phone unlocked and on the table, or keeping my Facebook open. It was
like I wanted to get caught.
I hated how I was acting, and knew my now-ex and I both deserved for me
to be a better person and own up to how unhappy I was in our current
situation." —Dan, 34
[post_ads_2]"I didn't want to let my friends down."
"We
got married relatively young—when I was 22 and he was 21—and a lot of
people, including our parents, didn't approve. They wanted us to really
get to know ourselves and each other before we made that sort of
commitment. Things were fine for the first two years, but after that, we
both knew we were in trouble. One night, when we talked honestly about
it, we realized neither of us wanted to call it off and admit that other
people might have been right. Saying it out loud—that a huge reason we
felt we couldn't separate was because we were worried about what people
would think of us—gave us the freedom to actually do it." —Alana, 29
"Weddings made me cry."
There
was one year where my husband and I went to six weddings, and I sobbed
at every one of them. And not because I was so happy for the bride and
groom, but because I was so unhappy for ourselves and what we both knew
wasn't a fulfilling marriage. That was when I knew that we needed to
talk." —Nicky, 35
What the Experts Say
Divorce
is an incredibly personal decision, so it doesn't mean your marriage is
doomed if you or your significant other has experienced one or more of
these feelings. What it does mean is that it's time for some serious soul-searching. Here, the steps you need to take if you're wondering whether divorce is in your future. (Of course, if you feel in any sort of physical or emotional danger, it's important to get out ASAP.)
[post_ads_2]Talk to your husband.
Resist
the urge to talk to friends and family about how you're feeling, even
though you may be tempted, says Richards-Smith. "They won't be able to
provide you with the unbiased opinions you need," she explains. Instead,
bringing up how unhappy you're feeling with your guy can help you have
an honest conversation about next steps.
Pay attention to timing.
"The
worst time to make a decision about divorce is when both of you are
going through a life change, like a move or a new baby," says Deborah Hecker, PhD, a Miami-based divorce counselor and author of Who Am I Without My Partner? If
you and your guy have recently gone through a big life change, giving
yourself permission to get through the situation together before making a
permanent decision can be helpful.
[post_ads_2]Go to a therapist together.
Couples
counseling can be helpful, even if you're pretty positive you both
would be better off apart, since it can help foster the communication
skills you need to handle the divorce. "Find a therapist without an
agenda," suggests Hecker. In other words, it's not great if the
therapist advertises his or her skill in keeping couples together. You
want one who understands that, sometimes, the best route for both
parties is divorce, and he or she will be able to help you down that road in the best way possible.
Be realistic.
"Divorce is hard in a myriad of ways,"
warns Hecker. That's not to say it's not the best alternative, but you
need to make sure that you have the emotional support behind you when
you make the decision. "And make sure you think about finances," reminds
Richards-Smith. "Run the numbers. And think of what financial
arrangements need to be arranged to make divorce a viable option."
Be open to your feelings.
Some
days, divorce might seem like the only option. Other times, you might
feel like things will be all right. Ambivalence is normal, which is why
it's helpful to have an impartial ear — a counselor, a religious
advisor, even a journal — to turn to when you need to sort out what's
going on in your mind.
[post_ads_2]Don't be afraid to argue.
Typically,
it's a bad sign when a couple stops fighting. Instead of working out
their issues, they're ignoring them completely, letting the unresolved
conflict make them drift even further apart. Sometimes in order to
reconnect, a little arguing might be exactly what your marriage needs:
"Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight
and repairs the relationship," says Carrie Cole, a certified therapist
through the Gottman Institute. So bicker about the important stuff (and the dumb stuff) and see if that helps.
Keep your deal breakers in mind.
Before you got married,
you probably had certain qualities or behaviors you knew you'd never
put up with. But those can change as you get older — things that seemed
OK when you were young may not be tolerable now. And if those new lines
are crossed — and you've spoken to your partner about them — it may be
time to reevaluate your relationship. "If you think no amount of apology
can make the offense go away, then it's time to get divorced," says
Monique Honaman, author of The High Road Has Less Traffic.
"There are just some wounds that time can't heal." Before you make any
big decisions, though, think carefully about whether something your
partner does is actually a deal breaker, and not just something that irritates you. If it's the latter, it's time to sit down and talk it out.
